I will admit, the length of your story did get better. Could it be longer? Yes, of course. Still felt a little bit rushed. But it was a much improvement from the first chapter. Also a suggestion here for you... cool it with 'man' and 'lady'. To me it was getting a bit annoying hearing that. Also, think about it. If these vamps are over 500 years old, do you really think they will be talking as if they are punks off the street in modern day? Nope :) Try to make him sound like a well brought up gentleman, and besides... he says he loves her, i dont think he would be saying to her 'Whoa lady, don't stress yourself', after what just happened to her.
Don't give up. Try again, and just take all things into consideration. :)
Goodluck
You have some intriguing things here, but an editor would help with the misspellings and awkward phrasings. In the first paragraph, you mention a "threat" to her, but there really isn't one unless you mean the fact that she's going to attempt suicide. I thought someone was after her. The vampires' speech is also inconsistent; they don't need to sound like they're from the middle ages, but too much slang just doesn't fit. I did like his point at the end, though, about going on as the best revenge.
by
Anonymous08/31/10
eh...
so it seems like it could be a good story but i keep getting lost with the names. in two sentance right next to each other the sister goes from being amanda to being amy. you really need to watch out for stuff like that. you should look into an editor. there are ones on here that do it for you...if i were you, id take um all down and get them edited, and repost. people who start off with the earlier ones, wont want to continue reading even if you do get better in the later chapters.
just something from someone trying to read your stuff :)
English
ok...
I will admit, the length of your story did get better. Could it be longer? Yes, of course. Still felt a little bit rushed. But it was a much improvement from the first chapter. Also a suggestion here for you... cool it with 'man' and 'lady'. To me it was getting a bit annoying hearing that. Also, think about it. If these vamps are over 500 years old, do you really think they will be talking as if they are punks off the street in modern day? Nope :) Try to make him sound like a well brought up gentleman, and besides... he says he loves her, i dont think he would be saying to her 'Whoa lady, don't stress yourself', after what just happened to her.
Don't give up. Try again, and just take all things into consideration. :)
Goodluck
getting better
I love this story concept. Keep going as you go along I think you will take the feedback and work it our. Overall very good start.
Good but inconsistent
You have some intriguing things here, but an editor would help with the misspellings and awkward phrasings. In the first paragraph, you mention a "threat" to her, but there really isn't one unless you mean the fact that she's going to attempt suicide. I thought someone was after her. The vampires' speech is also inconsistent; they don't need to sound like they're from the middle ages, but too much slang just doesn't fit. I did like his point at the end, though, about going on as the best revenge.
eh...
so it seems like it could be a good story but i keep getting lost with the names. in two sentance right next to each other the sister goes from being amanda to being amy. you really need to watch out for stuff like that. you should look into an editor. there are ones on here that do it for you...if i were you, id take um all down and get them edited, and repost. people who start off with the earlier ones, wont want to continue reading even if you do get better in the later chapters.
just something from someone trying to read your stuff :)
~Aimee
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