The Proverb Stories: Trickery Comes Back to Its Master

Good Flash Story

I think that you gave too much away in your subtitle, but enjoyed it!

Mean-spirited story.

Giving a child a terminal disease, with the potential donor dead, merely to illustrate how much of a slut her mother is, is disgraceful.

Too mean spirited for me

The main character fell on his face with the way you had him reveal the next door neighbor was dead... compassion at that moment for the little girl would have gone a long way toward making this a much more intereresting story...

Where was your mind at?

The use of the suffering of a child to show consequences for the ex's actions is beyond terrible. You are a better writer than this.

Way Too Short!

Would have made a great story if you had taken the time to "flesh" it out a little bit. I have actually read story outlines with more detail. It seems you were in too much of a hurry to get to the truly great ending.

Mean Spirited?

To the two people that commented that the story was mean spirited. I would say you both made a gross understatement. I used to like your stories but lately I'm beginning to believe that you really should go in for a psych eval. This is sick. I'm not even going to try and figure out how George losing everything has anything to do with the story.

mean and normal for hansbwl

Everyone else who commented here must have not read the rest of this writers stories.
This one is well written and it's an interesting surprise ending. But most of all it fits with the rest.
Thanks for the stories!

If this is what some call "mean'..

.. my thoughts are positively satanic. Good gotcha!

Too Bad

for the Li'l Girl to have such a Deceitful Mother that until Her Daughters Life was at stake would she admit All of Her Mistakes. Now Hubby#2 can figure out How It Feel's to be Lied Too.

You kill a child for a story!

You are a miserable son of a bitch writer to kill a child for the sake of a story. Pitiful

To RePhil

Perhaps you need a 'rephil' on that crack pipe you're smoking. No indication the child actually died, anyway, it's just a story, a little morality tale...obviously the exwife was cheating on her lover at the same time she was cheating on her exhusband. The point is the law of unintended consequences rules. "Cheaters never win, cheaters never prosper". We are led to make the assumption that the child will die, but as horrible as that thought may be...the morality tale makes it's point quite dramatically that the most horrible of outcomes waits at the end of the cheating road.

For the author: Well done.

Twist and turn

The negative spin "anonymous" and some others manage to put on the story reminds me of an ex who was a master at it. No compassion for the little girl? George was going to donate the bone marrow without compensation. His daughter was not present when he stuck it to Jane and Robert about Tim. Letting them think Tim was alive and waste precious time looking for him would have been just plain wrong. Who knows if he prevailed upon his friends, employees and customers to donate?

It was a flash story. Get a grip!

THATS SICK SHE ,WAS ONE UTTER SLUT AND AN INNOCENT CHILD WOULD DIE CAUSE OF HER ,PETTY SHE WERENT THE ONE DYING

You Fuck

RePhil is right you are a sick fuck! Using the death of a child 4 revenge . That's low low low .

Please, give me a fucking break

Great Story, Hansbwl.......he didn't kill the child you morons, that cheating bitch did. That bitch got what was coming to her and fucked her child in the process. It's not any different then a man/woman that fucks around and their lover kills the spouse.

Jane's a real pleaser...

It was great that her new husband now knows that she is porbably cheating on him, too. The sad part is about the daughter. I know it was nessesary for her to have a 'condition' to bring the ex back into the picture, but I would have liked the actual father to have been still alive.

Very interesting situation and a serial cheater woman. Poor girl......

Outstanding -

Really an excellent twist to the bitch in heat lol -

Unfortunately the innocent pays anyway -

Nice twist 5* for the writing 1* for the premise

As a strictly personal point of view. To base a story on the death of a small child is extremely desperate and distasteful. A second donor could have easily been written in without altering the crux of the story

Nice and a bit evil

At least he wasn't married to the cheating whore anymore. Justice was served on the scumbag Robert! Fuck Yeah! It's a great day!

Thanks, rePhil

Small point about Sweetie being major slut. Big point about innocent kid we haven't met facing death! Shoulda kept Tim alive! Well written, but distasteful!

Too bad for the kid, but

think the guilt laid on the whore now.

hahahha

I mock her pain and her kids death is by her hand hahaha,sorry about the guy those tests are painful

Karma is a bitch.

No shit - Karma will castrate your ass -

And unfortunately may kill your child bitch - you deserve it but she does not -

THE FICKLE FINGER OF FATE

arises at the most inopportune times. TK U MLJ LV NV

pretty good but

"when my reflex ions suddenly were broken"

What are reflex ions ?

Ouch!

Good story.

Hmmm...

Not only is she a worthless cunt she is a stupid worthless cheating cunt. Now the daughter suffers.

Damn

To Rephil

Who said 'You kill a child for a story?' And to all the others complaining.
I'd do just for the sport of it! Mmmm, baby sandwiches with fries on the side! Yum.
I'd club a childs head with a bat, just to hear that sweet cracking sound:)

Really people, grow up for Christ's sake! IT'S A FUCKING FICTIONAL STORY! Does he REALLY need to put a warning at the start stating 'No actual children were harmed in my mind while writing this story, and any similarity with real children is purely coincidental'. Jesus, talk about the world being over sensitive and wrapped in cotton wool! Are we actually at the point where even a person's IMAGINATION has to carry a warning, and be pixelated, just to spare the feelings af the squeamish?
I'm willing to wager that the same ones complaining about the fate of a child that only exists in a few sentences are the same people that enjoy watching movies that have heads and limbs blown off with guns! You don't bat an eyelid when a movie shows someone getting murdered, mutilated or whatever, you may even say 'Boy, that was a great movie!', (Ever see the beach landing scene in Saving Private Ryan? Ever watch that shit movie Titanic? How many children died in the scenes when it sank? Bet no one complained then!), but if someone writes a short story where a fictional child, that we never even see, except in words, MIGHT be harmed, the whole world is up in arms! Go figure!
If it puts your mind at rest, here's an ending, just for you!
"The very next day, a magical fairy appeared, and gave the doctor a miraculous cure for leukemia, thus saving the little girl! She lived happily ever after in a huge castle surrounded by unicorns! The end."
Well it is fictional, after all, so who is to say it didn't happen that way?

This is a good story...

This is a good story...And as in most times in life the innocent ones are the ones paying the bill.... 4*

THAT IS NOT TRICKERY

its downright deceit and the loser IS.......TK U MLJ LV NV

No rating

I didn't know how to rate this story. I thought the writing was satisfactory and the twist at the end was a shocker as it should be. However,

I must be a wuss or something because I can't get over the fact that the girl will be the one to suffer. Sorry I should be able to separate the writing and my feelings but I can't. If I'd know the out come of this story I wouldn't have read it. None the less well done.

Woodmanone

Karma is a bitch

Karma did not bite her in the ass, no, it took her ass, her guts and her heart and soul all in one big bite!!!