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English
Nice Story
Cant wait to see what kind of Trouble they get themselves into.
when young we talk or tell to much
tell your business isn't smart.
I'll never understand
Why one of the first things some writers have the hero's of this type of story do is share with their friends. It adds nothing to the story and turns many off.
keep it simple
keep the freinds out of it, it gets too complicated. let him to care of business for himself, its more entertaining.
Good Story - but keep it personal
Don't include the friends. People talk, and soon everybody knows that Bobby has special powers. Stories like this are much more interesting without others being in the know.
Too Over the Top
Tone it down a little. Take it slower, let tension build. Too much too soon is not satisfying. Maybe it would be in real life, but in fiction you need to let the erotic tension build before releasing it.
Great!
You have a story line that can really develop into something very good. Great work for a first experience. Can't wait for the next addition.
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