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English
Could have worked
This needs some serious editing.
First, you need to acquaint yourself with the proper flow of scenes and conversation. This tale stuttered and started and stopped, and was very awkward.
The story ends far too abruptly. Fair buildup, then suddenly it's just done.
"You" does not equal "you're" -- though I realize this is a distinction no one wants to make anymore, it's irritating to many readers.
Finally, "thrusted" is incorrect, and "rawr" isn't a word (you meant "roar").
You have some promise, but seriously, get an editor.
well done
it was good i liked it...keep on writing and don't let the negative comments disappoint you
Too damn short!
Please, please more, more.
Good effort
I did like this, but it had some errors. When we first "meet" Charlotte, she comes across as someone fairly shy and specifically with low self-esteem; it's a little hard to believe that she'd be so flirty with Danny, at least so quickly. It would have been fun for the six weeks that were skipped to have been explained a bit so that we could see Charlotte gaining confidence. There were a few smaller things as well like punctuation (it should be: "Hello," she said. comma, close quote, not period, close quote), numbers that should have been written out, and misspellings a computer wouldn't catch (he put his arm around her "waits," you wrote). An editor, if you could find one, would smooth out these rough edges. But practice makes perfect, so keep going!
Lighten up grammar police
Good story. Don't worry you will get better with time. :D
good
good fast and funny great work hope to see more
Charmed!
I loved the sense that Char's latent sensuality was unlocked by Danny's slow, patient approach. You have gone beyond the modern tendency to label people as "either/or" and, in a short story, managed to show the perhaps old-fashioned concept of love releasing the libido - not easy to do! For me this belongs in the Romance category!
Well done! But, as someone else once said - read, re-read and read again to check for slight errors before submitting... but do keep on writing please!
Very nice...
...little story, but for me, if you would have
taken it a bit further, it would have been
more complete & satisfying. Thanks.
KEEP WRITING !!
Not bad
Keep writing, I wanted to hear more of their adventure. It ends a bit too abruptly.
Great Short!
Keep writing!!!!
Wow
i loved this , i really hope you continue with this story
Very good writting.
It was a nice introduction. If there is more from them I'll read them.
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