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English
Good but clunky
I liked the set up, but I'd advise an editor if you didn't use one. You use many simple sentences (She did this. He did that.), which makes the story feel very stop-start. Some of your descriptive phrases are too long: smooth-as-satin medium golden mahogany brown? We don't need all that, and I don't think you can have golden mahogany anyway. There also wasn't much chemistry between the two leads. I liked them, but I think more build-up would have helped. I don't mean turn it into a novel, but things just moved too quickly. The dialogue is stilted as well (but dialogue is hard), and also didn't seem "real." I don't think Rachel would volunteer being alone on vacation to a stranger, especially when he only asked her name. Also, I think there were too many "greats," but we didn't get a date on Captain Natoli, so perhaps not. Keep going, though -- practice is the only way to get better.
Disappointed.
Your tenses are completely mixed. Your dialogue has no natural flow and the story itself is ruined by unecessary descriptions. Language, language, language. Please get an editor.
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