All Comments on 'A Marine's First Taste of Chocolate'

by justboycrazy

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  • 9 Comments
AnonymousAnonymousabout 14 years ago
needs proofreading

weird structure and wording. pls edit.

reverendaholicreverendaholicabout 14 years ago
Rushed?

The story seemed hurried. Missing words and such. Concept was ok but might want to take more time expanding and editing before posting your next story.

Loca85Loca85about 14 years ago
well

I could complain about a lot but the thing that stood out to me most was 46C. Either you're not american or just sorely mistaken about bra sizes. For her to be a 46C she would be wayyy more than 200 pounds.

AnonymousAnonymousabout 14 years ago
Graduate?

You don't graduate from the Marines. You graduate Marine Corps Boot Camp, but you don't graduate from the Marines. If he was getting out out the Corps, then that means his enlistment was up. And the party wouldn't look anything like a graduation party.

THELOVELY1GLOTHELOVELY1GLOabout 13 years ago

Loved the concept, I would lovingly suggest proof reading and editing before posting.More details could also help.

atl_peachpie1982atl_peachpie1982over 12 years ago

I think the idea was good but you could use more character development...and more details.

AnonymousAnonymousover 11 years ago
You got talent

You have talent and I also agree with ATL_peachepie.

nkdwhtguynkdwhtguyalmost 8 years ago
one hot story

As a white Navy guy and a lover of chocolate I placed myself in Jarad's shoes and had a good time reading this.

AnonymousAnonymousover 3 years ago
Disappointed

Minute I got into it, it was over. Not long enough

Anonymous
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