I enjoyed this story and really like they way you used the duality to reflect the two different women and their approach to sex and morality. While I love to read how writers compose their sex scenes, I see how you made the Jason/Giselle romp vivid while the Marc/Linda union was 'made for TV'. I want more please?
A bit more proof-reading might help. For example, "Are you sure your husband hasn't smelled a rat by now?" asked Jason apprehensively as he let Giselle into his apartment. . . . Roger wasn't due back for another three and a half hours. Roger was only in his jeans; Giselle couldn't help but admire his broad hairy chest." I think the last sentence should have said, "Jason was only in his jeans . . . "
At the end of the story, which was pretty good, it was not clear to me if Roger shot Jason and then himself, or if Roger simply committed the homicide but not a suicide, simply planning to go to jail. I guess that either way, Giselle will be raising her bastard child without a father. Sad for the child, who did nothing to deserve this (being raised fatherless), but understandable considering the passion and anger with which most humans react to infidelity. Thanks for writing.
Good story! These consequences do happen, and lives, hopes, dreams, future are forever altered because of these terrible acts of betrayl.
Good contrast on the dual story.
Thanks for writing!
Nice to see a "morality play" end on a positive note. - Huh?
I understand the one guy is scum and the wife is bad news. but, the husband will prob go to jail for a long time. Many lives are impacted. Family, friends. Not really a "positive" note. To the author - Your story Betrayal was pretty grim stuff. Compared to this that story - I guess this is a "feel good" piece. - thanks and best of luck.
by
Anonymous03/15/10
Honesty
When we do things we know will hurt and anger our spouses we open a can of worms that can't be taken back. Very few husbands or wives would rather have their spouse cheat behind their back than come to them and say I need to do this, what do you want to do. The cheating parties want their cake and eat it too, just fun and sex, no pain, but thats not life, their is pain, sometimes a lot. Thanks for the story.
A very nice little story. You have a good idea but a good editor will help tremendously. Please keep writing.
by
Anonymous03/16/10
Boo!
We like slut wife stories, not moralistic revenge stories. More slut wives fucking, less husband's killing. Thank you. You go on your crusade, we'll go on ours.
by
Anonymous03/16/10
Hay Boo!
"We", meaning slut wife and gay hubbie? As long as the other partner knows its not cheating, its cockold or swinging or what ever you work out, thats a lot different than one partner fucking around behind the others back. You just keep sending the little woman out to get fucked and don't worry about the rest of us, you have enough problems.
Next time you write use an editor and it will help you become a better writer.
I must make a comment about the famous "anonymous" commentor asking if a woman of such morality really exist. Absolutely. If you have to ask this question, then you need to assess yourself and the circle of friends you associate with.
I liked the strong female character. I really liked the way you used the contrast between the two female characters. What a way to start your career in this category!! Very well done.
You penned a pleasant little morality play. While it did border on being too saccharine, it was affable enough to enjoy.
However, your characters possessed very little depth. They were either saints or sinners. Basically, we witnessed their actions without having any idea of what made each of them tick. When such stark contrasts are presented as you did, little drama ever ensues. Jason was a too obvious philanderer (yawn). These stories are full of such characters. Giselle was naughty. Do we know why? Uh-uh. Then there were the worried husbands. Roger and Marc both adamantly believed their wives to be vulnerable to Roger's advances. While it seems Roger's concerns were well founded, why so Marc? Lack of self-confidence as a husband? Who knows. I would have liked to have become somewhat acquainted with these folks to understand better what was going on with each of them.
I must join the chorus with those who have encouraged you to enlist the help of an editor. There weren't any glaring errors or ommissions, but some edges could have used being smoothed.
Linda and Giselle should of had more interaction with each other... perhaps they starts as friends how have known each other for a while then take different paths ....?
Read a few of the comments and I can't make the leap that some others have made, that this story is a "morality play." If I have this right (and I know damned well I do,) any couple that actually loves and respects each other, including being monogamous, somehow inflicts this horrible, terrible thing called "morality" on others. Either that or it's moral to fuck around indiscriminately, but overly moral to not fuck around. Either way, listening to some ppl bitch about a story that has both a happy ending and a tragic ending, and showing the reasons and means between the two, is just silly.
English
Author's note.
I can see couple of mistakes like ---- and *-*-* "Are you sure...that I think happened while submitting the story, kindly excuse those mistakes.
Good use of dual stories
I enjoyed this story and really like they way you used the duality to reflect the two different women and their approach to sex and morality. While I love to read how writers compose their sex scenes, I see how you made the Jason/Giselle romp vivid while the Marc/Linda union was 'made for TV'. I want more please?
Not bad, but needs an editor . . .
A bit more proof-reading might help. For example, "Are you sure your husband hasn't smelled a rat by now?" asked Jason apprehensively as he let Giselle into his apartment. . . . Roger wasn't due back for another three and a half hours. Roger was only in his jeans; Giselle couldn't help but admire his broad hairy chest." I think the last sentence should have said, "Jason was only in his jeans . . . "
At the end of the story, which was pretty good, it was not clear to me if Roger shot Jason and then himself, or if Roger simply committed the homicide but not a suicide, simply planning to go to jail. I guess that either way, Giselle will be raising her bastard child without a father. Sad for the child, who did nothing to deserve this (being raised fatherless), but understandable considering the passion and anger with which most humans react to infidelity. Thanks for writing.
Good first effort in this genre....
.... for at least a slightly different idea. developed more it could be great....
Great little tale!
A real study in contrast. Thanks for your first effort. I thought it was a really good job.
This story happens more than we know
Good story! These consequences do happen, and lives, hopes, dreams, future are forever altered because of these terrible acts of betrayl.
Good contrast on the dual story.
Thanks for writing!
Good
Nice to see a "morality play" end on a positive note.
Nice to see a "morality play" end on a positive note. - Huh?
I understand the one guy is scum and the wife is bad news. but, the husband will prob go to jail for a long time. Many lives are impacted. Family, friends. Not really a "positive" note. To the author - Your story Betrayal was pretty grim stuff. Compared to this that story - I guess this is a "feel good" piece. - thanks and best of luck.
Honesty
When we do things we know will hurt and anger our spouses we open a can of worms that can't be taken back. Very few husbands or wives would rather have their spouse cheat behind their back than come to them and say I need to do this, what do you want to do. The cheating parties want their cake and eat it too, just fun and sex, no pain, but thats not life, their is pain, sometimes a lot. Thanks for the story.
You are a fine author
and you invented an interesting story line. The result was an enjoyable read.
Too much "morality" in this story.
Seriously, does women with so high "morality" exit? I don't think so. The writer talks like a man hating lesbo.
Nice story but needs editing
A very nice little story. You have a good idea but a good editor will help tremendously. Please keep writing.
Boo!
We like slut wife stories, not moralistic revenge stories. More slut wives fucking, less husband's killing. Thank you. You go on your crusade, we'll go on ours.
Hay Boo!
"We", meaning slut wife and gay hubbie? As long as the other partner knows its not cheating, its cockold or swinging or what ever you work out, thats a lot different than one partner fucking around behind the others back. You just keep sending the little woman out to get fucked and don't worry about the rest of us, you have enough problems.
Fine story
Next time you write use an editor and it will help you become a better writer.
I must make a comment about the famous "anonymous" commentor asking if a woman of such morality really exist. Absolutely. If you have to ask this question, then you need to assess yourself and the circle of friends you associate with.
Wonderful Story
I liked the strong female character. I really liked the way you used the contrast between the two female characters. What a way to start your career in this category!! Very well done.
Thanks for sharing
Likable
Kelly x 2:
You penned a pleasant little morality play. While it did border on being too saccharine, it was affable enough to enjoy.
However, your characters possessed very little depth. They were either saints or sinners. Basically, we witnessed their actions without having any idea of what made each of them tick. When such stark contrasts are presented as you did, little drama ever ensues. Jason was a too obvious philanderer (yawn). These stories are full of such characters. Giselle was naughty. Do we know why? Uh-uh. Then there were the worried husbands. Roger and Marc both adamantly believed their wives to be vulnerable to Roger's advances. While it seems Roger's concerns were well founded, why so Marc? Lack of self-confidence as a husband? Who knows. I would have liked to have become somewhat acquainted with these folks to understand better what was going on with each of them.
I must join the chorus with those who have encouraged you to enlist the help of an editor. There weren't any glaring errors or ommissions, but some edges could have used being smoothed.
Thank you for your effort.
Oops
Sorry, Kelly:
In my previous remarks, I meant "Jason's" advances, not "Roger's." Seems I need an editor too.
Last paragraph
"The contrast was oblivious, there were two wives, one faithful — the other unfaithful. " Shouldn't the word used be "obvious?"
very good.... BUT
Linda and Giselle should of had more interaction with each other... perhaps they starts as friends how have known each other for a while then take different paths ....?
good easy to follow story
Women like Linda do exist
Just because you don't have the morals Linda lives, doesn't mean there are a lot of people who live the life and are leading a fulfilled life.
Wonderful little story!
Just came across this gem of yours.
Confused
Read a few of the comments and I can't make the leap that some others have made, that this story is a "morality play." If I have this right (and I know damned well I do,) any couple that actually loves and respects each other, including being monogamous, somehow inflicts this horrible, terrible thing called "morality" on others. Either that or it's moral to fuck around indiscriminately, but overly moral to not fuck around. Either way, listening to some ppl bitch about a story that has both a happy ending and a tragic ending, and showing the reasons and means between the two, is just silly.
Decent
My sanctimonious comment:
DON"T CHEAT ON YOUR SPOUSE
CONSEQUENCES ABOUND
Judas
he gulped the hot jizz, got a reamed cornhole, betrayed!
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