All Comments on 'Taken?'

This was one hell of a story. Understated doesn 't convey the low key tension and suspense this one built. You kind of knew this ending was coming. To write it as dryly as the author did, makes it even more effective. But it kind of gives me that "deliverance" feeling. It's almost too much to ask for after the the work the writer put into this story, but this is one that cries for a follow-up. Nobody can do what Rob did, despite the fact that almost anyone would have put this maniac down to avoid the slightest chanced of his coming back, and not have it affect their lives. And what about Erin. Despite the fact that Angus said he wasn't going to take advantage of Erin, give me a break. You know that he had her. Even if he didn't, months of captitivity leave scars that some people never get over. If she was raped, especially under the influence of drugs, she is going to be suffering from the after effects for years. The ending is perfectly in keeping with the tone of the story, but I wish the author - or somebody - would tell the story of whether Rob and Erin, and their marriage, survive in the long run. But it was a great story anyway.

danielqsteele1

I felt like you spent too much time on the search Rob conducted. I almost quit reading several times and admit I scanned a lot of the search as it was just rediculous "fluff" in my opinion. I also take some exception to some of the damn stupid moves you let Rob make especially when he finally located Erin and Katy. Otherwise I felt it was a good story.

I agree with Hermit. The story was good enough, but the author gave us WAY too much unnecessary information about the search. Real time works well enough on shows like 24, but this got more than a little tedious. At least he didn't burden us with trite plot vehicles, like women in distress who fall down while running or good guys who can't seem to hold on to their firearms in the heat of battle (even Clive Cussler is guilty of the latter). I was a little put out Rob approached an unknown tactical situation unarmed, after going through all the trouble to have a weapon available. Also, he gave up the shotgun way too easily, not knowing what other defensive/offensive capabilities Angus had on hand. Still, all's well that ends well, I guess.

Is this a repost? It sounds very familiar. It is a bit long for our readers...

But this commentator really enjoyed the unfolding of the tale. It is always a problem to deal with the police about a disappearance!

sure it is very long and it is very wonderful. Jake60 is just a great great writer. This IS a truly magnificent story/ novella

I've really immensely enjoyed this story. It's rare that a crime/drama/mystery type thing gets posted to this site, and even rarer for one that's any good. But this one is a real edge-of-you-seat read.

Well done.

My only minor quibble is a point about Erin, the wife, and Angus. It seems very odd, that after more than 3 months, Erin hadn't begun to go into Stockholm as was mentioned in the story, or that Angus in all that time and with the aid of rohypnol, that he didn't molest her while he was claiming her to be his wife.

Maybe there should be a better follow-up?

Thanks for the story.

Thank you author, for your talent and effort. I don't know how realistic this tale is, but it was a bloody good read. I look forward to reading more from you.

.......until its end. Very suspenseful. Jake60 is the best of writers. RAG

Well-written but a bit long and repetitious. Enjoyed this. Thanks for writing.

A nicely written story with well developed characters and a good plot. Thank you for writing.

....good read, not great as Ghermit aptly describes I was hoping for more intrigue than investigation but I am very greatful for the offering from a great writer.

....reading about "Angus" spurred me to wonder why I hadn't seen a comment by "anon in Canada" in quite awhile. Is it metaphor spilled into the consecrate?

What a great read. I agree with Harry. The "fluf" was fun!

Read a good story after a long time

the minutiae that bogged it down. What the guy had for lunch on day seven didn't add to the story. It detracted from a fine read. I suspect I was not the only reader that skimmed though paragraphs and even a page or two, hunting for the meat of the story. It could have been about a third the length and been superb. Maybe you and HIV will name your first born after your hero?

LONG way to go for that ending. I wouldn't have bothered, if I had known it would end like that. You could have edited out 95% of this, and actually had a better story. WAY too much detail, and it should have turned out that the wife left of her own volition, if you wanted to write an interesting story.

A forensic team would never miss a register receipt,and bullet holes in the chest are rarely ruled suicide.Other than that it was all great,fluff or not.

some of the excruciating detail.

Please continue writing. I love your work

old song lyric....

Nice story. Thanks.

I thought most people's actions and motivations were not very congruent. It read more like you decided what actions you wanted people to take and then tried to force-fit their thoughts and motivations to match.

I also thought the interactions with the various police were pretty far off the mark from what I think is reasonable to expect.

I liked it. The interactions with all the police agencies was actually quite real, other than at the end. With all the evidence they had leading up to where the husband had established where Angus lived, there would have been cops from Ontario and the FBI...

That's okay because the story was written about the husband doing all the legwork and finding his loved ones.

As for the wife not having been raped- It think it was written that Angus was crazy and wanted to marry her first. It was not a sexual abduction but a mental fantasty that Angus had about marrying her for 20 years. The writer established that Angus had inherited a home for them to live in as man and wife.

I don't endorse crime as I have commented before concerning cheaters. In this case the husband removed a threat to his wife and daughter being kidnapped again. Having to live in fear of just that. A man has the right to protect his home and family.

I had to speed read through several chapters to get to the end

but all that stuff was necessary to make it realistic. It takes forever to trace down all the leads and calls one gets. This happens in real life as well. I have watched several cases on TV where a friend or family member does not give up when the police have to.

Good story Jake.

Great story but had way too much irrelevant information. I realize this was an intricate story but, by being a little more succinct, the story could have easily been done in 7 or 8 pages. Nobody really cares what Rob had for dinner on any given night or where he had it, for that matter.

Too many big words used when normal conversational speech would have been preferred.

Other commenter insights were on track too.

Too many big words used when normal conversational speech would have been preferred.

Other commenter insights were on track too.

The clues inserted into the story could have been handled much more thoughtfully.

The action was too simplified and drawn out. For instance, why weren't all the neighbors questioned the same day as Katy's disappearance? Too much common sense missing here, and can't blame it on stress Rob was under.

This story went on and on, and on, seemingly forever. It should have been said in one-fifth the number of words.

Although it went into excruciating detail, we never really "knew" the characters. They all seemed like two-dimensional cardboard cutouts.

Why 15 pages? I read the first 3 chapters & just skipped to chapter 14... It just went on & on & on & on ...

and the ectasy upon finding them alive and well, TK U MLJ LV NV

I really enjoyed your story, thanks for posting it and how nice the ending, good ole Rob.

Not that it's not warranted, you know. Lots of fantasy for little result.

I confess to speed reading parts -

But it was very good - it would have been good if there was something other than just his quest for truth to hold the interest that long -

But it was good and the simple - fuck with my family and you are ended finish was just fine by me - Erin was right he would have been back -

I thought the characters played pretty well - it would have been much longer to fill out their personalities too much more and it did not need that.

Great story. I was confused how Rob could be concerned with Blair's comfort. I would have let him suffer for his actions. However, you redeemed yourself when Rob went back to kill Blair. Thanks for a great read.

good story but entirely too long. too much descriptive palaver!

DrStnglv

It seems that many of the anonymous people are overwhelmed with too many words? Maybe they should go back to Dick & Jane! see dick jump!.....see jane clap! I thought it was an exceptionally good story that needed all the words to describe his search and build the tension. By chapter 12 I couldn't stop reading until finished. I have been reading through all your stories and at "Taken" I am almost done. I am already wishing for more stories. You are a very good writer!

Just another reason not to piss off DAD!!

Good story. I've reread this several times now and enjoyed it every time. I do have one observation though, the depiction of the police is very unflattering, although pretty accurate when it comes to missing person cases. I also doubt anyone could be as laid back as the husband in this story given the circumstances. In reality he would have most likely have been forced to get a lawyer and I'm sure that the word lawsuit would have been frequently mentioned. Once he got them back it would take several years for both the wife and the daughter to get over the traumatic event I'm sure. Still, as a story it's a good one that entertains and holds the readers interest. You can't ask for much more than that in a story of this length.

dont fuck with a mans wife or kids

you'l be sorry

He sure is walking free and god knows doing every illegal things.

crossing state boundaries and even moving into another country??? All the federal agencies would have been involved and Rob would have been advised, in no uncertain terms, to keep his amateurish bumbling well out of the way.

I loved the premise but the 15 pages with one page at a time via the internet was intimidating. I skimmed through some of it and more closely read the parts that seemed relevant to the story. Good ending, but I would have given Angus a couple more whacks with that rolling pin. He really needed to be put down. Rob should have armed himself with the pistol once he found the house. It definitely was not smart to approach the house without a weapon of some sort. It seems that Erin should have been much more affected by 3 months of captivity, but seemed normal when Rob found her. All in all, a good read but you know the old saying, " I didn't have time to make it shorter." The story could have been condensed into 7 or 8 pages with a little more effort.

The premise of the story was good but it was long and laborious. Could have been much shorter. Also, what about the border agent friend?? Shouldn't have some effort been made to deal with him?? I would have thought, also, that he would have been enraged about the situation when he got free and would have really done the bastard in!

You writers always seem to miss the rage that one would have in this type of situation and try to deal with it "rationally" and "legally". OK, he burned the place, but only after they started to leave. In reality, the man's rage would have taken over when he was able to get free and after he hit the bastard the first time, he WOULD NOT HAVE STOPPED AND BEAT THE ASSHOLE TO DEATH, then torched the place!

In your story, the fire department showed up in time to save the house. In reality, that far out in the sticks, the house would have been nothing but ashes by the time they arrived!

Your fingers certainly must be tired from that long story. Unfortunately it was a total waste of your time. The beginning and ending were fine BUT the very long middle was like watching grass grow but without the sound of birds. Very, very boring and a waste of your time and the readers.

and he didn't Google it?????

If he had he might have saved us about four pages.

I've read this because I've enjoyed his other stuff, but it was hard work, even with regular skipping towards the end. Won't be reading it again.

Funny one reviewer said and he didn't Google it "The Falls Grocery" I googled even in Canada and it never showed up.I wonder if he google it......I thought at first the may have been taken by Witness protection service until other things start saying no not that.While the story was long I thought it showed a Father/Husband's untiring effort to find his family. Crispy Angus won't bother anybody again, lol.Good job.

Question: Duluth police forensics went over house for hours after daughter disappeared, how did they miss a receipt the father found two weeks later while causally vacuuming? (Hint to Minnesota criminals: always hide evidence under daughters bed, police don't look there.)

About your writing style, this story is a mystery/adventure not a travel log. I find it extremely hard to believe at a man hunting down his kidnaped wife and daughter would be thinking about how beautiful the Ontario country side is. He is there to rescue them from what he believes is a traumatic experience one minute and then thinking about bringing them there on vacation. Sure, right, "Honey how about this summer we spend a couple weeks up in the rape hell hole you and Katy had to endure? Wouldn't that be fun?"

Also you wrote 'she didn't go to school and write her exam'. In America students don't 'write an exam' they 'take an exam', maybe in Canada students write their exam but if you are writing this about a family in the USA you should study vernacular. You also kept referring to a gas bar, it took me a minute to figure out that's what you call a gas station. Maybe sticking to stories about Canada would be a good idea. If you want to write about the USA you could have a Canadian character visit or move to the USA and talk in a Canadian dialect.

European writers do the same thing and I have to laugh at not only their vernacular but their attitudes. One English writer got revenge on the man who made him a cuckold by messing up the other mans 'garden'.

Not sure how german police approach such cases, but american cops in this type of disappearance get tunnel vision immediately. Some will say I am denigrating police but I am not-though a good percentage of them should not have a badge and a gun.

Supposedly husbands ar guilty 90 per cent of time...at least they are found guilty.

In these types of cases cops immediately start building circumstantial castigatee against husband and seldom as in very very rarely look elsewhere.

Any evidence that does not fit the ''husband did it theory is put aside-on a number of cases that info is years later during husband's appeal, is found to have been buried and illegally kept fromdefense lawyers.

Clamor all you want-almost all profilers-fbi kind-in serial rapists or murderer cases state the perpatrator is a 30ish white male with high school diploma.

I have never heard, especially in cases where white female is raped-kidnapped and killed-heard that the profile was of a black male. Even what that proves to be true, no mention is ever made that the rapist was black and targetted white females

LEST THE ''MYTH'' BE GIVEN CREDENCE. Such black males are intent on getting back at whitey.

Over past couple of years, I recall a dozen cases on ID on Discovery channel where black male on white female attacks have been shown. NOT ONCE HAS ANY MENTION OF THE RACE OF THE VICTIM OR THE PERPATRATOR BEEN MENTIONED. NONE OF THOSE CRIMES HAVE BEEN PROSECUTED AS ''HATE CRIMES'' THOUGH THEY CERTAINLY ARE.

FINALLY, IN ALL THOSE CASES THE PROFILE BROADCAST TO PUBLIC HAS BEEN THAT A WHITE MALE WAS ASSUREDLY-WITHOUT A DOUBT RESPONSIBLE!

I do understand that some black males were railroaded in some jurisdictions. I also have heard of many such cases where the person wrongly convicted ended up being the WRONG BLACK MALE.

In cases such as this story-the greater the clamor for justice, the higher the probability no real investigation takes place and once the media begins its speculative rush to convict the husband an innocent man will be destroyed

Front page BANNER HEADLINES AND LEAD-OFF SEGMENT IN NEWSCASTS

HOWEVER WHEN HUSBAND IS CLEARED TRY FINDING AN APOLOGY OF MEDIA BROADCASTING INNOCENCE WITH SAME FERVOR-AIR TIME-AMOUNT OF INK

I will be sure to move my evil lair to Minnesota. The police in Duluth (as depicted here) couldn't catch a cold... in Winter... in Duluth. The forensic team spent their time eating his Cheetos and ordering porn on pay per view. Nobody interviews the neighbors. Intrepid hubby/dad develops leads and has to follow them up himself because... (see above Cheetos and porn). Finally, NO police anywhere would permit civilians to stumble around their case, even if they have no interest or intention in working it themselves. Kiddies, can you say 'obstruction of justice'?

Despite all of that, I quite enjoyed the story. It may be your best yet. Thanks for writing. JPR

I sorry but what can I say but WOW!!! Not really a fan of mysteries but I had to prevent myself in NOT skipping to the end. The outcome was not what was preparing for. The story held my interest and facination from the first words. Thank you for your time and effort.

Very interesting and enjoyable reading

After two pages of you showing every character to be blithering idiots I had to stop you may be a good writer but your contempt for your characters challenges the readers ability to believe they are even capable of walking on their own..

Five Stars! It's long for here, but, I really think you should find some areas for expansion and re-write this as a book,. Seriously! Maybe a bit more character development, and possibly make them less harsh (per Anon's comments), but loved it. Read it straight through imagining different endings. Well Donw!

Behemoth! But enjoyable Thanks a bucket load ★★★★★ WOOF!

I could never get into it. I skipped to the last 2 pages and even that I skimmed. I am pretty sure the 2 women being brought across the border would turn the crime into a federal investigation and not local anymore. Also them being able to be just leave and go home is pretty silly as well. They would have been detained for days going through interviews and psychologists just for the women not to mention the police would not just wait til the next day if they had any suspicion where the wife and daughter were. It was just too silly for me to enjoy.

Not a bad storey. I was half expecting the wife and guy had had an affair at some point in the past. I would have preferred the police to have been the ones to have freed the wife and daughter.

He had both hand guns on him and he left one at the border. getting the gun from the car he went back in and shot the guy and set the fire. Roast dog anyone?

Too many examples to cite them all, but this one did it for me: "Now that he no longer had the two dogs to be fearful of, Rob decided to unload the shotgun. A weapon like that was pretty indiscriminate and he realized that with his family in the building he didn't really want it to be fired."

And we are supposed to believe that this moron had firearms training? You know nothing about firearms training, or firearms for that matter. At less than 30 feet a shotgun has a blast pattern of less than 6 inches in diameter. At closer distances its almost like shooting a rifle. At 10 feet both his wife and daughter could be standing 1 foot on either side of Angus, and Rob could have blown a lemon size hole through Angus' chest without endangering either woman.

Thanks for the effort. I hope you were getting paid by the word. What dross.

This guy needs to read some Hemingway.

I've never read a story with so much completely unnecessary verbiage.

Story could have been told in 4 pages or less. Who needs to know every detail?

Sorry man, wasted time, even skimming.

I really enjoyed the story completely. This is so much better than the average crap on LE. Very suspenseful, perhaps a bit too long but very entertaining.

Great work.

Thanks great adventure. Don't listen to the negatives.

Damn good thing Angus Blair died as he would have received about 15 minutes of prison time up in Canada and would have been back to get his “woman” in the next month or so. It’s what happens when fruity liberal socialists run the country.

I like your story. A bit longish, I agree. But well told. Keep it up, if I may say.

The only question I have: What is the Police Department of Duluth good for?

For a programmer he is quite resourceful. A 5 from over here.

Thanks for your effort, but there really wasn't anything in the story to grab my interest.

I have a habit of completing stories I start, so I stuck with it till the end.

The writing was like a second hand account, it didn't take me into the action. It also seemed that most of it was padding; extraneous detail that does nothing but make the story hit 15 pages.

The only outcomes possible were the one that eventuated, or a deceptive wife. I guessed right very early.

In the end, the round-up had to be as you wrote.

The only thought I had, was the story was mistitled. It could have been called... no, should have been called,

'Much ado about nothing'

Damn good yarn. Not sure I'd have had them pack their suitcases before I hauled ass and he was a dumb ass about firearms but he was quite smart about the .38. Too old and long in the family to be traceable to him. Shame to lose dad's gun but it was definitely a worthy cause.

Good story. As one commenter noted, it is told removed from the emotional involvement. That isn't necessarily a bad thing, however. On the whole, it was well-written and well-paced. I will be looking for more of your tales with anticipation.

I enjoyed this story (5 star) but I can't believe a police forensic department examined the house and didn't find the till receipt!

and then he hits the Scotch bottle or drinks a beer?

I got to end of page one, was almost shocked -- 15 pages?!?

So read enough comments to determine fluff made it overly long.

So I skipped to page 7. Even though daughter Katy disappeared during the omitted pages, it was not necessary to read the actual occurrence, so I easily picked up the plot. From 7 skipped to page 11, still getting the plot. Skipped to 13, realized I missed too much, so went back to 12 and "read" to the end.

"Read" is in quotes, because even pages that I read were sometimes scanned.

Example. If it's one more in the tedious catalog of people he interviewed, I scanned to find the person knew nothing, then skipped that part entirely. If scanning showed Rob got information, I read enough to find what the information was.

Some things, like meals, could be skipped entirely.

So. I actually "read" 7 of the 15 pages. But scanned/skipped parts of what I read.

Result: followed plot with no problem.

Not quite true. On page 1, I was confused by the Day 1/Day 2 headlines, thinking Day 1 was when wife Erin disappeared. Had to reread enough, going by the dates, to determine that (as I had thought), three months had passed. That's when "Day 1" started.

Interesting mystery - crime drama.

I think it plays into a sense that people have about the "criminal justice system." That while "criminal" is accurate, "justice" is sometimes lacking.

Decades ago there was a fiction TV series. I've forgotten the series name & prominent actor. Think it was set in LA. Each episode had the guy discovering a crime, and coming down on the criminal. (Of course, interspersed with his liaisons with a sexy woman.) The next episode was another crime that needed his kind of vigilante justice. You got a sense of satisfaction that his illegal activities were bringing needed "justice" that the established police of the "criminal justice system" could not or would not do.

Naturally, being an idealized story that a fiction writer can control (like Literotica stories), there were no mishaps, like our hero killing the wrong "criminal."

There was the same tension -- as in jake60's Taken? -- that illegal activity was bringing about justice where the established authority was lacking.

Some commenters liked the looong detailed story as is.

I suggest, in addition, a Reader's Digest version of 5 or 6(?) pages, for the rest of us.

Paul in Oklahoma

I say that because the police would have soon been looking through her high school yearbook, even before a dark haired man of similar age had been associated with both Erin and Katy. When the grocery store owner said that Blair's parents were from Duluth, that would have doubled the search and with names, etc. Then, he goes into the lair without the police. He had to know that the women's lives were not in danger. At the very most timid all they had to do was stake out the place or the town and next time he buys gas they know he is not at the home. The murder of Blair was totally unnecessary.

I liked the story but actually "Cliff Noted" it to get the pertinent information. Way too long. A good tale but way too long

I love a good story. Too long? For those with the attention span of an erotic gnat, perhap. But I enjoyed it.

I love your work. I'm saddened by your absence.

Few discrepancies to me.

Involved with finding wife and daughter and few times didn't jive.

Two especially driving and thinking about taking picture of moose?

And finally getting them and not calling police while getting the hell out of Dodge as quickly as possible.

Overly long due to the minutia of details not really relevant to the story. If there was a point to the story it would be how Dick's treat husbands they stereotype. The overly uncooperative police I hope is fantasy, and not typical, as if not for the husband the cops would have never found them nor cared if they found them, alive - a sad story of USA/CA policing! Disgustingly, only gets a 4*.

Yes, I agree that the amount of details could have been shortened somewhat, but the length of the story wasn't a problem. It did hold my attention throughout the story and had me wondering how the two women could just vanish without any signs. Just didn't seem right and I can understand why he was a suspect of the police.

Not waiting for the police to show up at the cabin was plausible given the circumstance but still not the smartest thing to do. I got very agitated at the end when he went back in and loosened Angus, just thought it was the stupidest thing I had ever heard of. Now I can understand why Rob was so willing to stop at the dinner to eat. He knew that Angus wasn't going to bother them ever again.

Well done, thanks.

Its a slog. It is a pretty simple plot that could be reduced by more than half. Man's wife disappears and her travel gear and clothes are missing. Police think she ran off. 3 months later daughter disappeares in the same way. Police think husband made them leave or worse. They do nothing. Husband begins search discovers some bit of paper in room. Receives quick phone call from daughter. All signs point to Ontario. Police are still useless. Husband finds them, gets himself taken too. Kidnapper is nuts but has never abused wife or daughter. Husband manages to get away after killing the guy and torching his place. That's your cliff note and seriously people, that is ALL there is here. 15 pages. Of above.

Please let us know when this comes out in paperback

Fantastic story. Many times I have read stories and thought they could be shorten somewhat and this one I thought could be also, BUT I still give the story 5 stars because it was so good and you made the connections believable so the trail could be follow to the maggot kidnapper. The kidnapper got his just reward in the end (kudos for that) and also Bill for never giving up. I liked it also how Bill (or should I say you wrote) made it so the dogs could escape. The only thing I thought was their family was not involved enough in the search (I know Jim helped) and some of the ideas Bill had that maybe Maki should of thought of those.

Great read. Thank you!

This is the first story of stumbled across that didn't have any pornography in it. I started reading it and I was incredibly intrigued.Before I knew it I was 15 pages into it .

A tiny repetitive here and there but it kept you hooked. Bravo well done.

Long, high quality story and well done. Yea, the bad guy had to die.

You got me. I thought that the kidnapper was the girl's real father. Good story, kept me wondering

Story could have been told in three or less pages. Why useless drivel. You forgot to describe the condiments he used on his hamburger, where they were grown, how much they were irrigated, what fertilizers were used, and whether they were delivered by truck or train.

FAR, FAR to long. I wish I had not wasted my time reading it. You tried to make it out to be like a film. If I was you scrap it and start again. AND USE ABOUT THREE PAGES.

As the guy said in an earlier comment, bravo! Great story. A psychopathic kidnapper. The MC's manner of ending the threat is quite understandable.

A firearms quibbles. Shotguns are not blunderbusses, and are good self defense weapons inside a home, as the shot does not penetrate walls, and the impact area remains very small for a good distance. He could've done well to take the .38 instead of leaving it in the car, though he would have lost it when captured. A .25 is underpowered, not a stopper; it's sort of derogated as a "mouse gun". The .38 is a more serious gun in a life-or-death situation. Not from my personal experience! I do read well though. Minor points, this is a very fine story.

Is the policeforce in Minnesota really that incompetent? I assume that was necessary to create a 15 pages odyssey for the MC to find his family. Too long, but kept me reading to the end.⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

By far one of the best of all the stories I have read on this site. Well done and an excellent job, Author!

Good plot, but not very well written. It was more of a mindnumbingly detailed report than a story.

Also, there were a couple of huge plot holes (unless this whole thing in meant to decry the incompetence of Minnesotian police). How did the forensic team miss the receipt and the hidden gun? How did everybody miss the lack of added sales tax in the receipt?

I skipped to page 12 to save time.

5 ⭐️ 🍺

I think it’s a Great Story…. as I live in Minnesota, the detail were/are very significant.

Can U write another? Use the BWCA?

Thx’s in advance

The story was way too long, even with skimming most of it. It also a lot of plot holes. Even in 2008, the first Google search would have been for the store itself, not towns with Falls in the name. There were a lot more, mostly intended to drag out the story, which this writer seems quite adept at...

Could be a decent 5 page story. He bought a 25 auto for protection, the worst caliber ever invented. A rock would be better. He unloaded a double barrel shotgun and took a rolling pin for protection. We really don't care what he ate each of the 20 meals. When he ask the police sgt. if the permit was good for two guns, yes but not at the same time. Does that link him to the 38?

Good story. However if I had been Rob, as soon as I had waken Katy and Erin, I would have gotten them dressed and out of there ASAP. Not linger around, explaining how he found them, etc. Time for that when on the road.

And why didn’t he just google “The Falls Grocery”?

Long is not always better.

I ain't reading 15 pages of this.

Really great dedicated love story that we enjoyed. Definitely dragged out more than was really necessary, making it a very comprehensive and complete story - until the ending. For the length of the story, the ending fell together very quickly and was wrapped in a few short paragraphs. Would have been nice to minimize the middle fact finding search a bit, and then expand the ending a bit more as the family arrived home, welcomed, therapy, became a loving family again with renewed love, caring and appreciation for each other.

This story is typical of a good writer's output BEFORE editing. I have edited several published print authors and even more online writers' works. ALL writers habitually overwrite because that's how the detail-oriented, story-telling human mind works. Remember that they are translating their vision of story and imagery into words that you can decode and "see" the same thing. It's important to bring in one or more persons to help refine and define that vision. Every successful writer needs and uses an editor. This is an amateur writer who is but an editor away from being a potentially successful one. In short, this very good manuscript is typical of what I see daily.

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After my first run-through of this manuscript, I would get rid of the overly detailed, pedestrian content that shows down the reader, dilutes the plot, and interferes with readability and flow. Writing a chronological story doesn't mean a detailed, minute-by-minute recreation of every activity of the day. Where summary works, summarize. If what MC eats for breakfast is germane to the story, include it. Otherwise, summarize. The reader's mind needs to read and process the essential elements, such as character arcs, plotlines, foreshadowing, and future elements. My second recommendation is to rewrite the ending, which is hurried, rushed, and still leaves little closure.

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A rule of thumb is: if it's not essential to the story, leave it out. Many writers are incapable of seeing that because of how they store it in their minds. That's why editors are essential.

I found it a little disappointing... 15 pages wasn't enough for a story of such detail. 90 pages would have made it more interesting, in fact there's no reason it couldn't have been 200 + pages LONG!!!