- All
Comments (4) - Add a
Comment - Send
Feedback Send private anonymous feedback to the author (click here to post a public comment instead).
| Literotica Toy Store ADULT TOY & DVD STORE FAST & DISCREET |
Literotica XXX Webcams 24/7 LIVE CAMS - FREE PREVIEW W/AUDIO! |
Literotica Adult Movies STREAMING ADULT MOVIES PAY PER MINUTE |
English
Good start
This is a good start, but there are a lot of punctuation errors and the like that take away from the story. For example, it should be: "Carrie, it's David. Are you home?" Also, numbers should be spelled out (six feet tall, twenty minutes, etc.). But the basis is good, and I like both characters, so I hope you continue.
Have to agree
This might develop into something, but the author needs to find a decent editor. This was full of mistakes that make it hard to read.
Oh, yeah, here come the cries of 'grammar Nazi' - hell, I don't care, I just want to point out a problem.
Good..
I hope you continue this story. It was a good begining that could be a really nice story.
AUGH! PLEASE CONTINUE!
This is a cliffhanger, I'm grinding my nails to the bone! Also, try not to use commas as much and don't use run-on sentences. Try to find an editor, because your story line is much better than others I've seen on this site. :)
Click here to leave your own comment on this submission! or
Back to Carrie's Sexy New Neighbor or
More submissions by thurst69.