- All
Comments (6) - Add a
Comment
| Literotica Toy Store ADULT TOY & DVD STORE FAST & DISCREET |
Literotica XXX Webcams 24/7 LIVE CAMS - FREE PREVIEW W/AUDIO! |
Literotica Adult Movies STREAMING ADULT MOVIES PAY PER MINUTE |
| Literotica Toy Store ADULT TOY & DVD STORE FAST & DISCREET |
Literotica XXX Webcams 24/7 LIVE CAMS - FREE PREVIEW W/AUDIO! |
Literotica Adult Movies STREAMING ADULT MOVIES PAY PER MINUTE |
English
Show, don't tell
Your story is interesting enough for me to keep reading, but you have a tendency to tell too much. In the first chapter, the most striking example was the paragraph on Fifvthday and Mondæ. Since the concept itself wasn't plot critical, it would have been better to say something along the lines of "Since it was Fivthday, it was the young lads' custom to share a meal out together, usually at the local inn." A bit less would be more.
In this chapter, the most striking example is the very last paragraph, which strikes me as a case of excessive narration, and too obvious foreshadowing. I feel this entry would have been a bit better without that last paragraph.
I don't think it needs a massive change of pace, but rather a little trimming.
Criticism aside, I am interested in seeing where the story goes. While it did drag on at times, I have read each entry as it appeared. Even if I'm not good at being complementary, that must mean something.
love it
Love the quick updates. Love the rigthing and while the flow does slow up at some place still looking forward to more thank u for sharing mechmanas
The Story is a lot of fun...
The style at times goes over the top but I found it amusing and interesting.
The idea that she could not reach an orgasm because her conscience was bothering is really funny!
Nicely balanced and well-written story
I actually find that there is a nice balance between erotic and story telling to your work; it is a unique world with fully developed characters, that are interesting and conflicted - which takes a bit of work to make happen effectively (as you have). I kind of like Ayleth (and Rowan of course!) Perhaps the nightmares you have foretold here will have their effect on her rusty conscious- and I look forward to reading more of the story!
excellent
Her heart has started its mending and repairing thaw.
Great Story!
Always fun with Rowan says what I've been thinking about the Lady.
Click here to leave your own comment on this submission! or
Back to A Daemon-Horn Blade Ch. 07 or
More submissions by Stultus.