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Need an editor
While the story is good you need an editor as there are some errors. While they don't take away from the story if they were fixed it would read a lot better.
Tighten It Up
Just need to tighten up the editing and it will definitely read better.
You had an interesting idea but
it was SO rushed and there was no real build up to their lovemaking, if that was what it really was. There was no romance there and it made the girl look cheap and tawdry. That's too bad, she could have been much, much more. What was the attraction he had for her? There's no leadup to it.
Why not rewrite it and fill the holes (sorry, haha) and try it again?
;l i cant read this
im like a romance junkie, and this happened way to fast? business owner lets anyone walk in helpin her ???? then they start kissing?...-.- so unrealistic i woulda told the guy we aint hiring gdfo yo LOL na not really..but ugh -.-
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