All Comments on 'PCS: Meet Abrianna'

The way this was written was not erotic at all. I almost expected a cartoon to come with it. Not creative, and the sentence structure was that of a 7th grader. Better luck next time.

I'm gonna try to keep this constructive and not bash just for the sake of bashing:

I almost wondered if this was written by committee. There were details in the most random of places for instance the flavors of ice cream everyone was eating did nothing to enhance the tale.

Did I misread something or did you actually get her measurements twice?

They you compared a man to a swimsuit model twice in two consecutive paragraphs?

I'm not one of those 'characters need to be realistic people' snobs but this girl Abrianna really is too good to be fantasy. I'm not saying she needs to be flawed but does she really need to have every positive attribute at the same time? She's extreme sport, extreme girly, extreme virgin, extremely willing to go into a three some.

Everything else was just cartoonish. The way she played baseball (wait she catches, pitches AND throws?) but with a C-cup at age 11 she was attracting perverts so they forced her to quit? Again I'm not trying to hammer realism but that was beyond my suspension of belief, like a girl who is extremely girly yet watches and plays normal sports and extreme sports, and has time to 'shop, read, go to the movies, go out, travel, and socialize', on top of her two jobs and Avon selling on the side, plus there was some sort of implied schooling of some sort. I guess bubble baths, candles, make-up, clothes, glitter, and jewelry don't take up much time or money either. Either that or she sells so much Avon she should be the CEO of her own company.

My suggestion is that you take this one girl Adrianna and you have enough details here to easily split her into 6-7 girls that this couple can meet. Or if you're going to continue with Adrianna maybe you need to start over and cut her in half (at least). It's just way too much for a one page story. Maybe if this was an eight part series and each part revealed a few of those attribute it would be ok. That's enough to swallow does it matter that after eight parts the girl is completely implausible not so much, but having it all in one is too much too fast.

Your bio says you have ADD so maybe all of your stories are like this. I don't know if I care enough to find out. I've put enough effort already into this comment hopefully you'll take it constructively as I intended it to be. As a story the idea was solid but the execution left something to be desired. -- QQQQ

The writing is infantile. The dialogue is juvenile. at best.

Traveller

90 hips, really? Get a life and write stories that more true to real life. This story sucked and had a lot of plotholes.

Sophomoric drivel, at best.

They never had a threesome, but this was their best one ever? You said that TWICE.

96 inch hips??

'Hi', want to have a 3sum?' "SURE!'

I can't even get over how bad this is.

boring and derogatory to redheads

I don't know what a shaply ass is, but then again I've never seen 96 inch hips either.

Stopped playing softball because of safety reasons due to perverts staring at her breasts? Who could look at a girl's tits if their hips were 8 FEET AROUND?

She got up, made out with him and THEN touched his body with one of her hands?

This was the best threesome story I've ever read, but I've never read a threesome story before.

This is not a readable story on any level.