At what point did you realize you were delusional?
Because, you kind of 'are', you know? Terrible story, and even worse writing. Sort of the Literotic equivalent of "...and a bus fell on them and everyone died. The end." Why bother with any kind of plot? Is that what you thought? Think again. LAME!
by
Anonymous05/17/10
The difference
The difference between an idea and a story. Ok, you got an idea. Too soon to see if you got a good idea, and WTF was up with the ass licker? Guess I'm used to stories, stories with hints why an 18 year old teen would be licking a neighbor woman's ass.... Maybe you should enroll in a writing class. I'm being nice.
Regarding the two comments from last month - I fonnd this an interesting shapshot begging further development. It is so clear that the beginning has a prehistory that may someday be explained - or not! And in some cases its better to keep your mouth shut and not ask too many questions even though if I had been the husband I'd have had a lot. It's a pity they weren't mentioned.
Lets see what happens :-) R
This is a very good start to a hot story. I like the idea of a submissive teenager who comes over to service the wife's ass and drink cum, only to be sent home to masturbate. As the other nicer commenters suggested, this begs the question of how the teenager got to be this way, and what she does once home. Please ignore the ruder comments and continue to expand on this good idea, either with a part 2 or with a longer rewrite.
English
wow!
fucking delicious
At what point did you realize you were delusional?
Because, you kind of 'are', you know? Terrible story, and even worse writing. Sort of the Literotic equivalent of "...and a bus fell on them and everyone died. The end." Why bother with any kind of plot? Is that what you thought? Think again. LAME!
The difference
The difference between an idea and a story. Ok, you got an idea. Too soon to see if you got a good idea, and WTF was up with the ass licker? Guess I'm used to stories, stories with hints why an 18 year old teen would be licking a neighbor woman's ass.... Maybe you should enroll in a writing class. I'm being nice.
needs more
more detail. needs to be longer. also, there was no ass to mouth.
Or a snapshot ....
Regarding the two comments from last month - I fonnd this an interesting shapshot begging further development. It is so clear that the beginning has a prehistory that may someday be explained - or not! And in some cases its better to keep your mouth shut and not ask too many questions even though if I had been the husband I'd have had a lot. It's a pity they weren't mentioned.
Lets see what happens :-) R
Good start, please expand
This is a very good start to a hot story. I like the idea of a submissive teenager who comes over to service the wife's ass and drink cum, only to be sent home to masturbate. As the other nicer commenters suggested, this begs the question of how the teenager got to be this way, and what she does once home. Please ignore the ruder comments and continue to expand on this good idea, either with a part 2 or with a longer rewrite.
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