Your story is fine, but I sense that you've got much more potential as a writer than what you showed here. A few comments:
- As an incest story, I think it's important to play up that angle a bit more. Part of what makes these stories hot is that the subject is taboo. You virtually ignored the fact that they are siblings until the very end.
- This was not some accidental hookup between brother and sister - they were on a date, so there had to be a backstory here. How did they get to this point?
- Watch overuse of adjectives. They can add to a story, but have to be used sparingly. Examples - "cold Chardonnay" (isn't it always cold?), "volcanic warmth" (redundant), etc. That's nitpicky, I know, but really good writing is that way.
Keep going - this was a good start!
by
Anonymous05/20/10
Chapter 2, yes.
Loved your story & you should write one more chapter to it.
Once again your erotic entry was excellently written. It would have been a tad better had Sara orally worshipped his manhood as she undressed him bringing him just to the edge a couple of times before she let him fill her hungry mouth and throat with his liquid love. Then as his manhood became flaccid, he then could do the same to the treasure he desired between her tender things.
Please do another chapter coverig the next five or so years as their love grows and and their twins are born.
Thanks again for an excellent enrtry.
by
Anonymous05/20/10
Tender
Oh, what a tender story. Ignore those who are frustrated grammer teachers looking at 6th grade papers. You write for yourself! When you write for yourself, you write for us. Thank you for a tender story with a zinger at the end; O. Henry style.
I hope there will be more too this story, it's always good to try to be different than other writers, but of course you do have to go with what works. This was a great story, and will love to follow the the other chapters, as- it- were. Ignore any real negitive feedback like that one anonymous fellow who swore, he's a coward really. I'll be waiting with baited breath.
by
Anonymous05/22/10
Very good story
This was another very good stoty. Hope to see more from you as incest seems to be your best format and you do it well. Wish you were my sister!
by
Anonymous05/25/10
Sweet Love
mmmmmmmmmm another 5 star,,,,,the waiting was so wonderful..........they both knew,,,,,,,glad you're back.......
English
Amazing!!!
This story was so eroticly written. It kept me on edge the entire time I was reading. Please, please, continue the love of Dave and Sara.
Don't bother.
No second chapter required.
Keep writing...
Your story is fine, but I sense that you've got much more potential as a writer than what you showed here. A few comments:
- As an incest story, I think it's important to play up that angle a bit more. Part of what makes these stories hot is that the subject is taboo. You virtually ignored the fact that they are siblings until the very end.
- This was not some accidental hookup between brother and sister - they were on a date, so there had to be a backstory here. How did they get to this point?
- Watch overuse of adjectives. They can add to a story, but have to be used sparingly. Examples - "cold Chardonnay" (isn't it always cold?), "volcanic warmth" (redundant), etc. That's nitpicky, I know, but really good writing is that way.
Keep going - this was a good start!
Chapter 2, yes.
Loved your story & you should write one more chapter to it.
Another Excellent Entry
Once again your erotic entry was excellently written. It would have been a tad better had Sara orally worshipped his manhood as she undressed him bringing him just to the edge a couple of times before she let him fill her hungry mouth and throat with his liquid love. Then as his manhood became flaccid, he then could do the same to the treasure he desired between her tender things.
Please do another chapter coverig the next five or so years as their love grows and and their twins are born.
Thanks again for an excellent enrtry.
Tender
Oh, what a tender story. Ignore those who are frustrated grammer teachers looking at 6th grade papers. You write for yourself! When you write for yourself, you write for us. Thank you for a tender story with a zinger at the end; O. Henry style.
Beautiful story and welcome back Dee
Lovely, romantic, and erotically charged. I love your stories. Do continue, please.
LOVELY
If only I had a sister.
In your own words
Love stories, not just lust. A lovely beginning Dee. Keep it going by all means.
Grreat Story
I hope there will be more too this story, it's always good to try to be different than other writers, but of course you do have to go with what works. This was a great story, and will love to follow the the other chapters, as- it- were. Ignore any real negitive feedback like that one anonymous fellow who swore, he's a coward really. I'll be waiting with baited breath.
Very good story
This was another very good stoty. Hope to see more from you as incest seems to be your best format and you do it well. Wish you were my sister!
Sweet Love
mmmmmmmmmm another 5 star,,,,,the waiting was so wonderful..........they both knew,,,,,,,glad you're back.......
ah love
Love stories are nice they are nice for a change
Wonderful!!!!
Great story, I enjoyed reading it & I hope you will continue to write more parts to it.
so-so
putting a story like this in the incest area kills any chance of a surprise endding because you know it will be a relative.
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