All Comments on 'Lessons From a Family Ch. 01'

by butt2luv

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  • 3 Comments
AnonymousAnonymousalmost 14 years ago
Not bad. A bit verbose.

Lots of words. Really. You'd benefit from an editor to keep some of those extra, unneccessary words trimmed out of there. Why use 50 words and 3 sentences when you could get the same message across with one sentence and half as many words?

Also, I have no idea what your story has in common with the title you chose for it. Or why it's in the Fetish section. I suppose you'll justify your choices in subsequent chapters, assuming you write them. Perhaps you'll accept a suggestion to at least include hints for things like that instead of 'revealing' that info later?

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 14 years ago
??

Lern too spel.

smittiesmittiealmost 14 years ago
good

i thought it was a good story cant wait for the next one

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