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Good start
The story seemed a bit aimless and awkward. You could probably improve that with some editorial help. I like the premise and would expect the story to develop nicely with more practice. Keep on writing!
A good editor...
could help you a lot. I think you have a story to tell, so find that editor and write. :)
Have to agree
The story doesn't really go anywhere, and the writing is pretty sloppy.
Lots of misspellings, lots of incorrect word usage -- examples include "pass" for "past," "Defiantly" for "Definitely," and "here" for "hear" -- and very poor punctuation. I mean, even if we relax some of the rules, this is rough.
A good editor would help, not only with the technical aspects, but also with focusing the story.
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