It's a good start. I would have liked the riding to be a little drawn out, but it wasn't necessary. I will look out for the next chapter.
by
Anonymous07/04/10
good but
get a good editor and never post a story without going through them first. if you are writting for yourdelf then don't post it if you are writting for the readers then make sure it is correct and make sure you finish it show some pride in your story and respect for the readers USE A GOOD EDITOR
by
Anonymous07/04/10
Good Bones, But...
... needs more meat. I agree with the prior comments about editing and drawing out the action. It seems like you've got a good picture of what the scene is like in your head but it hasn't been transferred to the story.
In my mind, the only way to develop as a writer is to keep it up and work with a good editor.
in 33 words. Needs more detail to be erotic, otherwise this is a PBS documentary not erotic fiction.
by
Anonymous07/04/10
Very Bad Start!
Your opening is "I was awaken...." If you don't know that the past tense is 'awakened' you badly need to go back to junior high school. If you do know, then you need to show enough respect for your readers to either proof your writing or find someone who can do that for you.
Back to the drawing board.
by
Anonymous07/04/10
I hesitate to comment...
because I don't want to be discouraging. Anyone who has written and submitted a story to this site understands the effort it takes.
That being said, I agree with many of the previous comments about proofreading, and maybe finding an editor. There are many good ones.
BTW, to previous comments who call the kettle black, the correct spelling is "writing," not "writting." Those who comment should proofread themselves.
I say continue. This was a good start. Not great, but-
use the comments to modify what you have and keep going. Maybe the final game won the cup, but it's the 100+ previous games that got them there-keep trying.
In your follow up chapters, build up more on the way to sex, and use an editor. Grammatical errors distract from the story line.
by
Anonymous07/05/10
it was good
i agree that you need an editor and more deatil the last paragraph was way too short for them to have sex and orgasm. please keep writing it is a good story so far i cant wait till the rest is posted.
by
Anonymous07/05/10
Nobody Will Read Beyond Your Third Word!
If you can't be bothered with spelling and grammar, then don't expect anyone else to be bothered reading your garbage.
by
Anonymous07/05/10
Straight to the point
Please don't be put off by many of those comments , as some people just don't understand that you could be from another country and don't write English that well or that you may be quite young and not well educated .
Keep telling your stories , at least they sound more hyonest than fantasy .
by
Anonymous09/11/10
A Good Start
I can see a lot more could happen here. The writting isn't bad, just too short and straight to the point. Need to drag things out more, give us details about the bodies and functions. Paint me a picture of the incestious young people fucking and enjoying each other. Who cum's on or in who, who thinks things might go farther and could even involve mother. Or best yet, all three of them and some outside family members. But above all, you need to make much longer stories so we can jack off as we read about you and your family.
by
Anonymous02/21/12
My sis, My whore
very good story. As one who knows the thrill of fucking your sister I got hard. I grew up in a household of my mother and my sister. Dad had left us some time ago and I miss his cock which I sucked on a regular basis. Our family was very much into incest. I know my two uncles fucked my mother on a regular basis and dad would suck the cum out of her when they finished. They let me watch and jack off but said I was too young to join in just yet. I don't think my sister had any idea of what was going on at the time. As I aged and began blowing the cocks of the men and taking them in my ass things got much better for me. I hadn't yet fucked a pussy and was getting the urge to try it I was told that I could fuck my mother but sis was to be left alone until she got older then she would be mine. The first time my cock sank into my mother was heaven. It didn't take long until I shot my cum into her warm wet pussy. As I pulled out dad sucked the cum from my cock and told me her slit was mine to eat. It was fantastic! I found that eating the cum was better than fucking the pussy.I think my father, just like me, realized that I was to be a cocksucker and ass provider for the men in the family. The first ass fucking I got was with the family watching and telling me that I was now the whore slut for everyone but that it was still my job to take my sister's cherry. Eventually, with everyone watching I mounted sis and gave her a good fuck and ate my cum out afterwards. The three men present each fucked me. What a day. I'm still the family slut but in addition I take 10 or so others every day.
by
Anonymous03/01/14
not real good
who are these people and why should we care about them being together? you gave no background on their relationship and no character development to tell why she went to his room and why he accepted her offer of sex, this should have been chapter two of three or four NOT A STAND ALONE. delete and rewrite it PROPERLY.
by
Anonymous06/09/14
Idea
The ending was a bit abrupt, when she rolled over and screwed him.. Maybe a little more passion to end It.
English
Good start
It's a good start. I would have liked the riding to be a little drawn out, but it wasn't necessary. I will look out for the next chapter.
good but
get a good editor and never post a story without going through them first. if you are writting for yourdelf then don't post it if you are writting for the readers then make sure it is correct and make sure you finish it show some pride in your story and respect for the readers USE A GOOD EDITOR
Good Bones, But...
... needs more meat. I agree with the prior comments about editing and drawing out the action. It seems like you've got a good picture of what the scene is like in your head but it hasn't been transferred to the story.
In my mind, the only way to develop as a writer is to keep it up and work with a good editor.
good but I agree with the others it needs more
This is a nice start, but you need to flesh out your story with more build up to the sex and give us more details about what's going on.
Fully fucked to orgasm
in 33 words. Needs more detail to be erotic, otherwise this is a PBS documentary not erotic fiction.
Very Bad Start!
Your opening is "I was awaken...." If you don't know that the past tense is 'awakened' you badly need to go back to junior high school. If you do know, then you need to show enough respect for your readers to either proof your writing or find someone who can do that for you.
Back to the drawing board.
I hesitate to comment...
because I don't want to be discouraging. Anyone who has written and submitted a story to this site understands the effort it takes.
That being said, I agree with many of the previous comments about proofreading, and maybe finding an editor. There are many good ones.
BTW, to previous comments who call the kettle black, the correct spelling is "writing," not "writting." Those who comment should proofread themselves.
I say continue. This was a good start. Not great, but-
use the comments to modify what you have and keep going. Maybe the final game won the cup, but it's the 100+ previous games that got them there-keep trying.
You Are Going to Be Good
In your follow up chapters, build up more on the way to sex, and use an editor. Grammatical errors distract from the story line.
it was good
i agree that you need an editor and more deatil the last paragraph was way too short for them to have sex and orgasm. please keep writing it is a good story so far i cant wait till the rest is posted.
Nobody Will Read Beyond Your Third Word!
If you can't be bothered with spelling and grammar, then don't expect anyone else to be bothered reading your garbage.
Straight to the point
Please don't be put off by many of those comments , as some people just don't understand that you could be from another country and don't write English that well or that you may be quite young and not well educated .
Keep telling your stories , at least they sound more hyonest than fantasy .
A Good Start
I can see a lot more could happen here. The writting isn't bad, just too short and straight to the point. Need to drag things out more, give us details about the bodies and functions. Paint me a picture of the incestious young people fucking and enjoying each other. Who cum's on or in who, who thinks things might go farther and could even involve mother. Or best yet, all three of them and some outside family members. But above all, you need to make much longer stories so we can jack off as we read about you and your family.
My sis, My whore
very good story. As one who knows the thrill of fucking your sister I got hard. I grew up in a household of my mother and my sister. Dad had left us some time ago and I miss his cock which I sucked on a regular basis. Our family was very much into incest. I know my two uncles fucked my mother on a regular basis and dad would suck the cum out of her when they finished. They let me watch and jack off but said I was too young to join in just yet. I don't think my sister had any idea of what was going on at the time. As I aged and began blowing the cocks of the men and taking them in my ass things got much better for me. I hadn't yet fucked a pussy and was getting the urge to try it I was told that I could fuck my mother but sis was to be left alone until she got older then she would be mine. The first time my cock sank into my mother was heaven. It didn't take long until I shot my cum into her warm wet pussy. As I pulled out dad sucked the cum from my cock and told me her slit was mine to eat. It was fantastic! I found that eating the cum was better than fucking the pussy.I think my father, just like me, realized that I was to be a cocksucker and ass provider for the men in the family. The first ass fucking I got was with the family watching and telling me that I was now the whore slut for everyone but that it was still my job to take my sister's cherry. Eventually, with everyone watching I mounted sis and gave her a good fuck and ate my cum out afterwards. The three men present each fucked me. What a day. I'm still the family slut but in addition I take 10 or so others every day.
not real good
who are these people and why should we care about them being together? you gave no background on their relationship and no character development to tell why she went to his room and why he accepted her offer of sex, this should have been chapter two of three or four NOT A STAND ALONE. delete and rewrite it PROPERLY.
Idea
The ending was a bit abrupt, when she rolled over and screwed him.. Maybe a little more passion to end It.
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