Twin Lust

Very interesting story, I'd love to see more.

Needs more substance

The erotic descriptions in your story are good, but that "background" paragraph at the beginning? That should be a full, fleshed out story. Imagine if you went to see an action film, and it started right away with a fight scene. Instead of the film explaining the fight, they gave you a little note explaining why they're fighting, would that be satisfying? No; it might look cool and all, but without the drama and conflict to explain why the fight occurs, you just don't care.

Same here. Erotica needs the narrative built up. What separates erotica from pornography is that erotica allows you to express the mental aspect of sex. If you had elaborated on the beginning, really built up the sexual tension and emotions between Silaqui, it would make for a much more satisfying erotic experience.