- All
Comments (20) - Add a
Comment - Send
Feedback Send private anonymous feedback to the author (click here to post a public comment instead).
| Literotica Toy Store ADULT TOY & DVD STORE FAST & DISCREET |
Literotica XXX Webcams 24/7 LIVE CAMS - FREE PREVIEW W/AUDIO! |
Literotica Adult Movies STREAMING ADULT MOVIES PAY PER MINUTE |
English
Very good start.
I enjoyed this first chapter, & I can't wait to read the remaining 14+ chapters.
needs a rewrite
way to many bad words to ethnic or just bad wording. you also do not give any back ground as to their relationship before he left home or any reason for him leaving. but going by what little there is here it seems to me that when he moved out he would have made sure there was no way anyone at home could find him. it seems he has no reason to allow her to stay and would have told her at the airport to go the hell home and never contact him again. i don't know why you writers like to change human nature going by what little info we are given about them there is no way in hell he would ever allow her to move in. GET A GOOD EDITOR AND DO A PROPER REWRITE AND GIVE SOME DAM BACKGROUND AND KEEP IT ATLEAST SOUNDING SOMEWHAT REALISTIC AND BELIEVABLE
Nice start will look forward to more
Go od to know there's 15 more chapters to come.
Looking forward to it. A lot can happen in that amount of writing.
What Irony?
"Ironically enough he had better scholarships but chose this one because of its location. It's unknown what his reason was for choosing such a distant location from his home town."
There is no irony in that paragraph. None. Zero.
Others have already commented about the English in this submission - it's not good!
there seems to be a lot of resentment towards his sister
A little short but a little progress was made in forming the base for the story.
I hope that the author doesn't draw out every chapter and will post the next chapter soon.
Thanks
Decent Start
It still needs a little work, but not enough to stop the story. I wish it was a little longer. You have a decent start, that's amoung other things is filled w/some mystery. I'm looking forward to the next chapter to see what happens.
Just too dumb
Too many errors, both grammatically and logically. Don't bother continuing. Start afresh, and learn the difference between laying and lying while you're about it.
Not bad.
Came across like an anime to me. That's a good thing.
Thanks
I appreciate the feed back.
I will admit this story is pretty dated and maybe I should give it a bit of a face lift.
Regardless I think I will edit this chapter and tweak it a bit to match the suggestions you guys have given me so far.
However in response to the one comment about not continuing, all I can tell you is, troll harder.
brother brother
Does a girl actually call her brother "brother" ALL THE TIME? "You're late brother", "thank you brother" - people don't talk like that. It just made the whole thing ridiculous.
ok...
Well I said I was going to edit it, but I'm having trouble finding an editor. The one that offered to help hasn't showed back up in 3 days.
Regardless I appreciate comments but I already said it's going to be changed, so kicking around a dead horse is just a bit tedious.
I will just lock the voting and such until i get this thing fixed.
good start
It's well written I was wondering from the comment at the top but looks good and promising. Looking forward to the rest
waste
if this is the improved version you wasted our time and yours. you still never gave any back ground to tell why he left and the writing is still not up to par. no way he would ever allow her to live with him when he moved he would have made sure no one at home could find him. you give us no reason to care about these people or want them to be together. it's like picking up a book and the first chapter is missing no one is going to read it go back again and add some back ground.
DBRS
"Thank you brother..."
Yeah, I agree with the other comment. Too many references to "brother". Just change some, if not all of those to "Chaz". Well, you know...those that don't really need to pervey the sense of taboo within the story.
delete
do us a favor and delete this story until you can either fix it or forget that you wrote it. not a good way to get or keep readers please delete it now
SHOW SOME PRIDE IN YOUR WORK AND A LOT OF RESPECT FOR THE READERS AND ALWAYS USE A GOOD EDITOR OR DON'T POST ANYTHING
It isn't bad
Everyone seems to be trashing this story. Well, if you don't like it, then don't continue to read it, problem solved, its that simple. Duh. I think it is pretty good, but I do suggest that you do change all the "brothers" into "chaz" . But other then that I cannot wait to read the rest of your story :) well done!
-Alicia M-
I luv it so far
I luv it can't wait for more
Crap
Total fucking crap
Interesting....
I'm curious to see where this is going, getting some of the back-story, and hoping that the dialogue calms down a bit into normal conversation rather than sounding stilted, but yes, please do keep going. I would ask that each chapter be longer, to introduce a liitle of the sex that these stories revolve around, stretching it out into a one act story over 15 chaptes does you no service at all. Note that 15 pages of a word document equals about 4-5 pages on Lit, so don't fall into the trap of writing 6 pages and hope that will be enough; it rarely is!
4 years
And this is the only chapter out of 15? Please can I get some more of this.
Click here to leave your own comment on this submission! or
Back to Ruby Feathers Ch. 01 or
More submissions by GaryStargazer.