by lilbe0
It seems like you are speeding through these two chapters quickly so slow down :) Take it easy and make the chapter a bit longer? Pretty please?
looks like yet more of samuelx's cut&paste crap under yet another different screen name
You're really rushing here when you have two interesting characters. And let Chloe resist a little. It's kind of ridiculous otherwise.
One minute he speaks like some ghetto gangster and the next sprouts phrases like"you will be mine" i mean wtf i have to agree with the cut and paste comment
how is it this crap gets posted and i keep getting rejected for punctuation and i see a lot of punctuation mistakes in this? makes no sense at all!
I have been waiting for the next chapter. I think now since the passion has been taken care of now you can slow them down some. I would love to have that type of passion from a man.
WTF!!!!!!!!!!!! Where to begin. Sorry sweetheart but you have to get major help with this project. To fast, a little to immature, grammatical errors. Slow it down a bit
But it is how mostly everyone says. I like alpha males and assholes like the next gal but slow it down. Fill out your characters a little bit. I'm guilty of this too, but like PennLady says, let the girl have some backbone. They'll get to the bed (or wall, floor, whichever) eventually. But good ol' resistance and tension can go a LONG way and make their relationship that much more explosive.
They're hot, but you're going to run out of story before you have a plot. Keep going though.
your writing style could use some improvement i nice story but there could have been more of a build up of events and relationships and im sorry but LOOOOL three mins later
I swear this sounded like one of my girlfriends giving me details of a sexy night she had. Smh I actually laughed out loud on this one
He did'nt wear a condom. I would'nt be surprise if a little one makes an appearence 9 months later.
And the sex.... totally of the wall. So Hot.
Feels rushed and lack a bit structure, but the plot of the story is okay. Try to lengthen it a bit, more details and not go too fast and it will be good.
This has extreme heat potential, you just need to slow the pace a minute.
I think it's good you left something to be worked toward. They shouldn't go around the world straight out the gate even though they were both feelin' it. Totally understand how that magic works. Now do continue. Looking forward to reading more of their sexual getting to know you efforts. 8-)
it's way too fast paced. one minute she wants to run away and the next they're sucking face. either make her more conflicted and guilty after the fact or slow it down. it will make better sense and have a better flow
Seriously? Would have a story line if it wasn't moving at the speed of light!
Not even going to bother with the rest!
The problem I have is your grammar an unfamiliarity of the terms that you try to use. At one point in the story you say with arms linked. WTH? The true way to say it is, within an arms length. Which is self explanatory. Never be in a rush to put your work out. If English is your 2nd language, utilize your 1st language into your story. I enjoy seeing different languages in stories. Good luck!
Look I think it's awesome just finish the story for me and I'll read it.
She's black that makes me so happy and he sounds wild even better.
You jumped right into it and I thought that was great.
Most people take forever to get to the damn point.
I thought the grammer was fine.I didn't fine anything I didn't like.
But seriously finish it for me.I won't nit pick. Least you have the guts to post your work.
If the person never finishes this because of these comments I'll be pissed there's worse writers out there give them a break damn.
capitalizing words to emphasize shouting,where they do that at? i like sex and all but this shit hella unrealistic and too damn fast.
I'm really into interracial erotic and love stories and I love the way damien worships her and treats her but don't you think you took it too far too fast?