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bare bones
couldn't you have made this shorter by eliminating the trip from the airport?
This isn't a story, it's an outline which could be used by most of the loving wife stories on the site.
I strongly suggest that in future stories you flesh out things to make it appear to be an actual story.
Great & To the Point
Efficient story telling... no long winded diatribe.
If she gets nasty, he gets even. Loved it !
Too brief
What there was of it is well written, better than most on this site. But it was far too short. We really did not get to know any of the characters, except as cardboard cut outs.
Thanks
What little you wrote - or she wrote in her note - said all there was to say about her character. I doubt I would want to be married to a woman who didn't care enough to consult or compromise. Of course, boss guy was into her pants so goodbye cheater.
Anyway, thanks for not making a wimp out of him and for making quick and short work out of the cheaters. I would like to have savored more had you embellished a slight more.
Not really a story...
more of a rant, IMHO. A rewrite that included insights into the husband, the wife, their problems and perceived problems could have convinced me to care about someone in the story. Sorry, it could have been a good story.
You are better than this.
Really
?
Like the premis but there isn't a finish and I don't understand how they got here in the first place.
Say what?
There was really no story here. Given the absence of all aspects of a real story, this was just a tempest in a teapot.
News Flash! Film @ 11:00
bb,
Comlete enough for me. Clear concise and game/set/match.
Great story!
x
PS: re:comments, anonymous dolt
You could have done something with this
But it really is just an event and a rant.... I agree with others. You can do better than this.
HELLO!!
GOOD-BY!!!!!!!!!
Good story
It was a good story but it was very rushed , you had good ideas but like I said , more dialog and information about the people , places things , reactions , and aftermath dialog would have made this an excellent story .
horrible
Not only was this not remotely interesting, but your grammar was horrific. Periods, commas, and sem-colons were required throughout this piece, yet they were all notably absent. I would recommend that you find a good editor to review your work before submitting it.
Hmm
Having just read "Trust," and a couple of your other works, I agree that you can do better. There were sloppy, choppy sentences and it was too quick.
Truthfully, I had no sympathy for the guy at all. I know some thought that his ex-wife-to-be revealed herself in the note, but what about him? He goes off, admits he ran himself low on funds, and then you find out that she'd warned him what would happen. And she followed through; so my sympathy was with her and not him.
I also thought it was over the top that she cleaned out the house to the point of taking appliances. That's just ridiculous (not saying it doesn't happen, just probably not often). What the hell is she going to do with them, anyway?
I do think there could be a longer, better story here, but as it stands, it's not much.
Correction
Sorry, you didn't write "Trust." This is what I get for reading quickly. My apologies; but I have read other stories by you, Bakeboss, and think they've been better.
Wait...what?
Wow, this was over before it started.
I agree with Anonymous
This was not well written. There were spelling errors, sloppy construction, and other problems throughout. A good editor would indeed have helped.
More than that, though, is that this isn't really a story. It's a setup, an outline, a concept. It's been done before, and better.
Also, as one comment said, moving the fridge and the stove? That's a little over-the-top.
Not saying this couldn't have been made into something, again with an editor; but as is, it's pretty weak.
Good idea, too short and a lot left unsaid and undone.
Round this out. Use what you have as an outline and fill in the details. It could be a good story.
Needs a Second Chapter
Alot of things Happened but .
We did'nt get the Accusations and other stuff couples go thru.
Too short
This is way too short; reads like a William Shatner novel -- beginning, ending, little middle.
What
Like going for a walk in the night and falling off a cliff. A shock at the end. Too short.
Nice!
A bit short, but everyone got what they deserved in the end.
To Short
That was a story I should have loved. I was just starting to get into the characters and it was over. Why not just write she fuck me so I fucked her back worse. It wasn't a bad story you just needed to develop it more. Tell what and how the people felt and reacted to getting screwed. You have the abability to write well I look forward to reading more of your work.
EPILOG TIME
HEY BB, DO YOU HAVE ANY THOUGHTS TO FURTHER SUBMISSIONS ON A DOUBLE SCOOP......MAYBE ANOTHER CHAPTER OR 2. TK U MLJ LV NV
BOOM!
Always enjoy a roll-the-grenade-in story. Nice.
It was a little short and would have been better with a little sex.
This IS a porn site, you know. But, a good story, nevertheless. Fuck 'em both.
Right to the point!
Although I would have thought he would have wanted to get some of the furniture and money back. I guess he was going to sleep on the floor until after the divorce and he got his 1/2 of everything?
Nice
This is what you call revenge in a hurry. Way to go.
And yet
He has no money, he has no furniture and his wife is about to find out that she has no money and no furniture. So his revenge seems a little hollow, as he is going to have to pay her alimony since she hasn't got a job ( no income). He might have acted a tad hastily and the revenge he wanted seems to have bitten him in the ass. Nice try.
#2 REVENGE IS ONLY DELICIOUS
when you are the one tasting, TK U MLJ LV NV
TOTAL FAILURE
Now he has no money, no furniture and his wife has lost her job so his alimony payment just went up. He went off half cocked and screwed himself even more in the process. Dumb ass story.
NOW IT COMES DOWN TO
how far do we go for the real payback. TK U MLJ LV NV
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