dreaco dear, please help me to read your work easier, without confusing names ... anyway I can see you have a good story in this start, go, go, finish it... I'm waiting expectantly
An editor would help. I'm assuming Kara is Claire, and you just switched names. Much of Jake's dialogue is unrealistic. Would a guy really say "I didn't rape you or nothin'?" I mean possibly, but... Worse was the bit about him being a mercenary. Aside from the fact that there are fewer of them in real life than Hollywood would have us believe, I can't imagine he'd just blurt it out. He'd have a cover story. If nothing else, it would have been something to save until later, something for him to confess to Kara/Claire after he's grown to trust her.
The poor spelling and grammar along with the Claire/Kara error is really distracting. Please, please find an editor to help you. This could be the start of a very good story.
by
Anonymous09/10/10
Nice story line
I agree with others that this could be a really good story. An editor would be very helpful to correct the grammar and catch the name change. You could also try reading as an outsider so you don't read what you think you wrote. For example, you jump from finishing breakfast to him eating a big mac. How long was it sitting there and why would he want it right after breakfast.
Please continue writing as you have real potential.
English
Huh? Is Kara the same as Claire??
Kara, Claire... arrrgh
dreaco dear, please help me to read your work easier, without confusing names ... anyway I can see you have a good story in this start, go, go, finish it... I'm waiting expectantly
Potential but...
An editor would help. I'm assuming Kara is Claire, and you just switched names. Much of Jake's dialogue is unrealistic. Would a guy really say "I didn't rape you or nothin'?" I mean possibly, but... Worse was the bit about him being a mercenary. Aside from the fact that there are fewer of them in real life than Hollywood would have us believe, I can't imagine he'd just blurt it out. He'd have a cover story. If nothing else, it would have been something to save until later, something for him to confess to Kara/Claire after he's grown to trust her.
Good start but.......
The poor spelling and grammar along with the Claire/Kara error is really distracting. Please, please find an editor to help you. This could be the start of a very good story.
Nice story line
I agree with others that this could be a really good story. An editor would be very helpful to correct the grammar and catch the name change. You could also try reading as an outsider so you don't read what you think you wrote. For example, you jump from finishing breakfast to him eating a big mac. How long was it sitting there and why would he want it right after breakfast.
Please continue writing as you have real potential.
slow down
Editor of course
But slow down. You are rushing a good story.
janice???
where is her daughter?
good start
a little disjointed( but so is my writing, it takes time) hope to see more soon
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