I have edited several stories for several writers. This was by far the most interesting and enjoyable. It doesn't get anything but better with every chapter. I really enjoyed working with MentalCase. Throughout the entire piece, he kept a good base line within which to work.
A great beginning to what should be a very entertaining story. You write very well and have introduced an interesting group of characters that I'll enjoy getting to know (as will Mike I assume) over the succeeding chapters.
Your head-hopping during the shower scene between Mike and Emma was jarring at first, but once I got used to it, it was fine. The only thing I would suggest is that when you switch POVs, you start a new paragraph (eg, where you write 'Emma peeked in...", start a new para). Switching POVs in mid-para can be confusing.
Looking forward to more. I sense inspiration from VertigoJ, but if I'm completely off, sorry! I also like the internal voice - it's a good hook. =)
by
Anonymous09/20/10
Great Start!
Jerry in Washington State, USA - After having read your first five chapters and commenting on chapter 5, I decided to give feedback on the earlier chapters. So I'll try to blot out the later chapters and just comment on this one. I like the beginning with Mike dealing with the voice in his head, his nightmares, and his attraction to his sisters. Before I read the later chapters, I remember thinking that this story has a lot of potential and I love your style of writing - especially the sneaky humor.
by
Anonymous10/01/10
Nerd herd... HAH!
Excellent spin up of the story. Shame, visions, psychosis. I'm going to like this one...
I saw how many chapters you rote in a few short months and thought Does he sleep? So had to read it and it is fantastic so far. I can't wait to read it all.
I must say that your third period point of view surprised me at first. I usually prefer a first person POV, as I am more easily drawn into a personal connection with the protagonist. However, your choice to use the voice in Mike's head to play the role of the antagonist is shear genius. I never expected to find this level of clever writing on literotica. I am impressed, to say the least.
The level of background information you have provided us, in such a short amount of time, is also wonderful and only serves to add dimension to the characters you have created. I can hardly wait to begin reading the remaining chapters.
Intriguing story and impressive way to start it. You explain the charcters in a natural way that doesn't seem forced which isn't easy. Your use of the Voice as a 'Devil on the shoulder' brings an interesting amount of dilema and internal confrontation.
Now I feel that I must make some constuctive criticism. The story could be longer but, for a first chapter it will suffice.
Looking forward to reading the rest today.
by
Anonymous07/10/11
Great story
I love the depth of your story. It's sexual but it has a brain as well. Very nicely done.
It is, with no small amount of amusement, very difficult to not be stricken by the fact that this story which falls under "taboo" contains within it a household and family that possess more courage, compassion, and genuine love and understanding than a great deal of "normal" households.
Acceptance of the many or the love of a few. I know which one I would choose.
For those who have yet to decide, please, enjoy this marvelous story. You'll have your answer by the end.
this is the sixth time i'm starting to read this series and still find it funny......every story in this series deserves a five star rating (though in my opinion even that is less) not for been erotic or incest but for the humuor that you have so funnily depicted in the form of conversations between mike and the voice in his head......keep up the good work bro.....:)
this story is fucking amazing. please don't stop at 23 just when it is getting so good.
by
Anonymous02/02/13
Why do I get the feeling...
That the Author has Wade Wilson's internal dialogue going on for Mike there? I laughed so hard during this one, and I still have to read the rest of the series! Good show with a 5 out of 5 from me. =D
I continue to be amazed at the quality of the writing (characters; story; enjoyment) of some of the authors on this site and this story is up there with the best, easily in my top five stories.
this has to be the 5th time I have come back to read this story. I wish the author would turn this into a script and send it to a movie company. This would be a great movie.
by
Anonymous05/19/13
The voice
This story is at its best in the chapters that highlight the voice. The comedy is excellent. Some of the later chapters lose the humor and aren't as good, but overall the story gets top marks for originality and quality.
Okay, nice to know I wasn't alone in having the voice that commands that everything with a pulse (or not) needs a thorough plundering. The laws against incest are starting to become clear though, if everyone had sisters as beautiful as these, who would bother dating? Keep writing and we'll keep reading.
I'm reading through this for the 9th time now. This is definitely the best story on here. Now if only the next chapter would come out.
by
Anonymous09/13/13
twin intuition explanation something like this
Quantum entanglement is everywhere and part of everything.Twins are born and in constant contact while their brains and nervous systems are developing. something like a tuning fork happens between many of the atoms and a type of sharing between brain atoms occurs. Different parts of the subconscieus are connected, and maybe not even the same parts of the subconscieus. So twins share weird feelings.
I first leaped ahead as you said there was little sex at first, but The Voice was so funny I had to start from the top. Yeah, I'm like everyone else and loving this!
by
Anonymous02/12/14
Never getting boring
Every time in waiting for the next chapter I start again from the beginning. I've list track of how many times and it never gets boring :D
by
Anonymous10/22/14
Normaly...
I get nervous around 20+ 1 page esq stories, not because i don't like story, this is a erotica site not a porno, don't always need to pump and dump, but my favorite stories on this site are the ones where i read for the STORY not necessarily the sex, and this is most defiantly one of them.
I was actually laughing out loud while reading this, tuning out the rest of the world int eh process, so kudos on a great opening sir, i will now read the rest to see if they are as good!
by
Anonymous01/18/15
Good
I like the writing style. It is fluid, and does seem to give great beginning character development. I do, however, think that the inner thoughts of Mike, be they his alternate voice or his own, should all be italicized. I think the author does an excellent job of quoting the alternate voice. So, I feel that Mike's regular inner monologue would be distinguishable when italicized, by not being quoted. I thought the erotic part of the story was erotic, but also written very elegantly. It wasn't cheesy, or all about the sexual act. Again, it was fluid. I say good job, thus far.
by
Anonymous03/12/15
uh-oh
Mike is so screwed.
by
Anonymous04/12/15
Same
Like all the other Anomymous persons, I certainly agree with all three of them, Mike is Screwed, the writing style is amazing and I love the story so far. Havent read the other chapters but, if this continious like this. It almost should be a real paper book. (yeah those old things you know, from paper)
this is the third time i am reading this and i still love it great book and totaly agree it should be on paper great plot line and the voice is absoluty my vavorite character
This is probably my 6-7th time reading this. Every time I do i feel the same rush i did when I first read it. Thank you for this. Can't wait for the finale.
This may be the 5th or 6th time m reading this, and its always exciting. Awesome writing skills...
by
Anonymous12/27/15
FANTASTIC!
You have a great writing style, very descriptive and attentive to detail. It really makes me feel like I'm there observing! Please keep writing, you're off to a amazing start!
English
Keep up good work
I am looking forward to reading next episode.
Great start
Great start, and I love the little voice in his head, looking forward to the rest of the story.
Many thanks
Thanks guys =) 3 more chapters are submitted and should be up by wednesday, i'll submit a few more today.
Great Story Line
Cant wait ti see where you take the Story and to see what the Others think of Everyone. Now we have Mikes Opinion what about the Girls?
Awesome
That wasan awesome story hoping you keep up with the chapters! Can't wait to read ch. 2
Good start!
Looking forward to seeing where this one goes.
About editing.
I have edited several stories for several writers. This was by far the most interesting and enjoyable. It doesn't get anything but better with every chapter. I really enjoyed working with MentalCase. Throughout the entire piece, he kept a good base line within which to work.
a very good start
A great beginning to what should be a very entertaining story. You write very well and have introduced an interesting group of characters that I'll enjoy getting to know (as will Mike I assume) over the succeeding chapters.
Your head-hopping during the shower scene between Mike and Emma was jarring at first, but once I got used to it, it was fine. The only thing I would suggest is that when you switch POVs, you start a new paragraph (eg, where you write 'Emma peeked in...", start a new para). Switching POVs in mid-para can be confusing.
Great start!
Looking forward to more. I sense inspiration from VertigoJ, but if I'm completely off, sorry! I also like the internal voice - it's a good hook. =)
Great Start!
Jerry in Washington State, USA - After having read your first five chapters and commenting on chapter 5, I decided to give feedback on the earlier chapters. So I'll try to blot out the later chapters and just comment on this one. I like the beginning with Mike dealing with the voice in his head, his nightmares, and his attraction to his sisters. Before I read the later chapters, I remember thinking that this story has a lot of potential and I love your style of writing - especially the sneaky humor.
Nerd herd... HAH!
Excellent spin up of the story. Shame, visions, psychosis. I'm going to like this one...
Laughed til it hurt.
Great beginning. Love the voice. Mixing in the humor really adds to the story.
Great start
On to read more
FINALLY I'M NOT ALONE
Great Start
I saw how many chapters you rote in a few short months and thought Does he sleep? So had to read it and it is fantastic so far. I can't wait to read it all.
Very clever...Bravo!
I must say that your third period point of view surprised me at first. I usually prefer a first person POV, as I am more easily drawn into a personal connection with the protagonist. However, your choice to use the voice in Mike's head to play the role of the antagonist is shear genius. I never expected to find this level of clever writing on literotica. I am impressed, to say the least.
The level of background information you have provided us, in such a short amount of time, is also wonderful and only serves to add dimension to the characters you have created. I can hardly wait to begin reading the remaining chapters.
Intriguing start
Intriguing story and impressive way to start it. You explain the charcters in a natural way that doesn't seem forced which isn't easy. Your use of the Voice as a 'Devil on the shoulder' brings an interesting amount of dilema and internal confrontation.
Now I feel that I must make some constuctive criticism. The story could be longer but, for a first chapter it will suffice.
Looking forward to reading the rest today.
Great story
I love the depth of your story. It's sexual but it has a brain as well. Very nicely done.
Good plot!
Often in long stories, the sex gets tiring and the plot isn't strong enough to make up for it. You're doing a good job keeping of it interesting.
Minor constructive criticism: New vs. knew, your vs. you’re and a few missing quotation marks are slightly distracting. No biggie, though.
Very enjoyable story.
John
Sure the writing is very good. But this is getting very weird and depraved.
Thats why I'm giving this five stars!
Yay for harem stories
I am reminded of "Tenchi Muyo." That can only foretell good things. :)
I MISSED SOMETHING?
1. SARAH
2. DANNI
3. BETH
4. EMMA
5. MIKE
6. _________???
@Anon below me
the voice
Wonderful Story
Can't wait to read the next one.
The "sixth" is the voice in his head, I'm assuming, though I've only read this first chapter so far.
Quick correction
It's spelled "nerdette." ^^
The voice
The voice is my favorite character in the story... so funny.
Define Irony
It is, with no small amount of amusement, very difficult to not be stricken by the fact that this story which falls under "taboo" contains within it a household and family that possess more courage, compassion, and genuine love and understanding than a great deal of "normal" households.
Acceptance of the many or the love of a few. I know which one I would choose.
For those who have yet to decide, please, enjoy this marvelous story. You'll have your answer by the end.
this is the sixth time i'm starting to read this series and still find it funny......every story in this series deserves a five star rating (though in my opinion even that is less) not for been erotic or incest but for the humuor that you have so funnily depicted in the form of conversations between mike and the voice in his head......keep up the good work bro.....:)
amazing
this story is fucking amazing. please don't stop at 23 just when it is getting so good.
Why do I get the feeling...
That the Author has Wade Wilson's internal dialogue going on for Mike there? I laughed so hard during this one, and I still have to read the rest of the series! Good show with a 5 out of 5 from me. =D
One of the best stories on this site.
I continue to be amazed at the quality of the writing (characters; story; enjoyment) of some of the authors on this site and this story is up there with the best, easily in my top five stories.
Team Danni
"Oh Danni"
Reading this again
this has to be the 5th time I have come back to read this story. I wish the author would turn this into a script and send it to a movie company. This would be a great movie.
The voice
This story is at its best in the chapters that highlight the voice. The comedy is excellent. Some of the later chapters lose the humor and aren't as good, but overall the story gets top marks for originality and quality.
Here's to the voice in your head
Okay, nice to know I wasn't alone in having the voice that commands that everything with a pulse (or not) needs a thorough plundering. The laws against incest are starting to become clear though, if everyone had sisters as beautiful as these, who would bother dating? Keep writing and we'll keep reading.
Again
I'm reading through this for the 9th time now. This is definitely the best story on here. Now if only the next chapter would come out.
twin intuition explanation something like this
Quantum entanglement is everywhere and part of everything.Twins are born and in constant contact while their brains and nervous systems are developing. something like a tuning fork happens between many of the atoms and a type of sharing between brain atoms occurs. Different parts of the subconscieus are connected, and maybe not even the same parts of the subconscieus. So twins share weird feelings.
DELIGHTFUL START
REALLY ENJOYED THE "CONVERSATIONS" WITH HIS INNER SELF.
Back to Chapter 1
I first leaped ahead as you said there was little sex at first, but The Voice was so funny I had to start from the top. Yeah, I'm like everyone else and loving this!
Never getting boring
Every time in waiting for the next chapter I start again from the beginning. I've list track of how many times and it never gets boring :D
Normaly...
I get nervous around 20+ 1 page esq stories, not because i don't like story, this is a erotica site not a porno, don't always need to pump and dump, but my favorite stories on this site are the ones where i read for the STORY not necessarily the sex, and this is most defiantly one of them.
I was actually laughing out loud while reading this, tuning out the rest of the world int eh process, so kudos on a great opening sir, i will now read the rest to see if they are as good!
Good
I like the writing style. It is fluid, and does seem to give great beginning character development. I do, however, think that the inner thoughts of Mike, be they his alternate voice or his own, should all be italicized. I think the author does an excellent job of quoting the alternate voice. So, I feel that Mike's regular inner monologue would be distinguishable when italicized, by not being quoted. I thought the erotic part of the story was erotic, but also written very elegantly. It wasn't cheesy, or all about the sexual act. Again, it was fluid. I say good job, thus far.
uh-oh
Mike is so screwed.
Same
Like all the other Anomymous persons, I certainly agree with all three of them, Mike is Screwed, the writing style is amazing and I love the story so far. Havent read the other chapters but, if this continious like this. It almost should be a real paper book. (yeah those old things you know, from paper)
this is the third time i am reading this and i still love it great book and totaly agree it should be on paper great plot line and the voice is absoluty my vavorite character
As always... perfect
This is probably my 6-7th time reading this. Every time I do i feel the same rush i did when I first read it. Thank you for this. Can't wait for the finale.
wow!
This may be the 5th or 6th time m reading this, and its always exciting. Awesome writing skills...
FANTASTIC!
You have a great writing style, very descriptive and attentive to detail. It really makes me feel like I'm there observing! Please keep writing, you're off to a amazing start!
Once again
Once again I'm reading this story, it will be my 2nd time going through this story.
I love it!!!
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