i agree the short chapters sometimes make the story feel fragmented. however they are well written so i can over look that for now. but maybe you should think about combining chapters. that way we have a decent amount to read and not too long of await inbetween chapters
Your story is keep better and better, but I'm a little confused about what said and what though, maybe you should change the symbol so we don't get confused.
I agree with the person who said the thoughts should maybe be differentiated in some way from conversation out loud. I've seen people do thoughts in italics which is easiest to follow. I've also seen them put (') around thoughts and (") around conversation.
I think this chapter was definitely clearer and flowed better. I liked it alot. I think it should have been a bit longer since it felt like it had just started getting to the main part and was cut off too quick.
Other than that I liked it alot. I like this new turn with her father and uncle being ancients though I hope you explain more about what that means. Which person is her brother? I was sure about that. I can't wait to find out more about what she is and what her powers are. Keep writing!
i like your story but like alot of earlier comments the chapter is really short and its hard to tell between thoughts and actual conversation plus i thought that everything seems a little fast but that might just be because the chapter was short but even with these few little problems still love the story and its greet keep up the good work
Whist I have tried to be patient with your writing, even with an editor and a dialogue 'coach' your work suffers from a lack of maturity. I would, if I were you, read a lot more and possibly look into some more help with grammar and proof reading. Also I would suggest looking at doing some plot "mapping" and chapter planning. Look at the story you want to write, and plan it. To me, this all seems to be messy and a little chaotic. The effect is off-putting.
When they are having a thought, you should italicize it so we know it is just in their head. Otherwise it reads as dialog until we get to the end of the quotes where you write (he though). Also I don't think you need quotes around a thought, just the vocal dialog.
Try reading some romance novels to become familiar with better sentence structure, smooth transitions in dialog, realistic levels of emotion and how to express them. A few good authors to look at are Amanda Quick, Catherine Anderson and Elizabeth Lowell.
Good luck :0)
by
Anonymous06/17/12
Its getting better:) just don't put thoughts into speech marks, write them in italic
English
good so far
this is a good story, but you should really think on making the chapters longer, if you don't you will make your readers frustrated.
Donna
like it
i agree the short chapters sometimes make the story feel fragmented. however they are well written so i can over look that for now. but maybe you should think about combining chapters. that way we have a decent amount to read and not too long of await inbetween chapters
A little bit confused!
Your story is keep better and better, but I'm a little confused about what said and what though, maybe you should change the symbol so we don't get confused.
I agree with the person who said the thoughts should maybe be differentiated in some way from conversation out loud. I've seen people do thoughts in italics which is easiest to follow. I've also seen them put (') around thoughts and (") around conversation.
I think this chapter was definitely clearer and flowed better. I liked it alot. I think it should have been a bit longer since it felt like it had just started getting to the main part and was cut off too quick.
Other than that I liked it alot. I like this new turn with her father and uncle being ancients though I hope you explain more about what that means. Which person is her brother? I was sure about that. I can't wait to find out more about what she is and what her powers are. Keep writing!
like it
i like your story but like alot of earlier comments the chapter is really short and its hard to tell between thoughts and actual conversation plus i thought that everything seems a little fast but that might just be because the chapter was short but even with these few little problems still love the story and its greet keep up the good work
Patience
Whist I have tried to be patient with your writing, even with an editor and a dialogue 'coach' your work suffers from a lack of maturity. I would, if I were you, read a lot more and possibly look into some more help with grammar and proof reading. Also I would suggest looking at doing some plot "mapping" and chapter planning. Look at the story you want to write, and plan it. To me, this all seems to be messy and a little chaotic. The effect is off-putting.
Better
When they are having a thought, you should italicize it so we know it is just in their head. Otherwise it reads as dialog until we get to the end of the quotes where you write (he though). Also I don't think you need quotes around a thought, just the vocal dialog.
Try reading some romance novels to become familiar with better sentence structure, smooth transitions in dialog, realistic levels of emotion and how to express them. A few good authors to look at are Amanda Quick, Catherine Anderson and Elizabeth Lowell.
Good luck :0)
Its getting better:) just don't put thoughts into speech marks, write them in italic
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