It might be that the chapter is just a little short, but that in it's self doesn't make it bad. I did enjoy reading what you have written.
I would have liked to have seen more details and to have the story develop a little slower. Slow down and give more details of what's going on. Let the reader see what is in the eyes of the character, and make the reader feel what the character feels.
You have done that a little but it needs to be more pronounced and more explicit.
I hope to see more of your work.
by
Anonymous10/22/10
rushed
way to rushed and fucking a sleeping girl is legally rape and he could go to jail if she complains. not to mention since she is married her husband could legally divorce her and get the kid you need to think before writing. incest is best when kept between two unmarried people. don't quit your day job you won't make it as a writer
by
Anonymous10/22/10
i want your tongue
i agree with everything that has been said. slow down the action with some descriptions of impulses and reactions. some realism would help too. most g-spots are well beyond the reach of the human tongue. and unless a woman is drugged, if your thrusting hard enough to shake the couch, you're going to wake her up. get real, mitch.
This chapter is better than the last, but hopefully not as good as the next. You have a great storyline going on, you just have a few kinks to work out w/ your writing style. I'll be watching for chapter 3.
If you're going to write stories on Literotica, You need to write longer ones at least 2000 words or you're going to get a bunch of anonymous comments about longer longer, and longer -- And I don't mean dick size!
SCHUPPINZIGH
by
Anonymous02/27/14
Too short?
No, not short enough for me. Please don't write any longer stories, this one was crap.
English
Better
I'm really starting to enjoy your story. I can't wait to read the next chapter.
The story seemed a little rushed
It might be that the chapter is just a little short, but that in it's self doesn't make it bad. I did enjoy reading what you have written.
I would have liked to have seen more details and to have the story develop a little slower. Slow down and give more details of what's going on. Let the reader see what is in the eyes of the character, and make the reader feel what the character feels.
You have done that a little but it needs to be more pronounced and more explicit.
I hope to see more of your work.
rushed
way to rushed and fucking a sleeping girl is legally rape and he could go to jail if she complains. not to mention since she is married her husband could legally divorce her and get the kid you need to think before writing. incest is best when kept between two unmarried people. don't quit your day job you won't make it as a writer
i want your tongue
i agree with everything that has been said. slow down the action with some descriptions of impulses and reactions. some realism would help too. most g-spots are well beyond the reach of the human tongue. and unless a woman is drugged, if your thrusting hard enough to shake the couch, you're going to wake her up. get real, mitch.
Better
This chapter is better than the last, but hopefully not as good as the next. You have a great storyline going on, you just have a few kinks to work out w/ your writing style. I'll be watching for chapter 3.
titjob
a titjob would be great, plz more :D
More please! :)
Too short!
If you're going to write stories on Literotica, You need to write longer ones at least 2000 words or you're going to get a bunch of anonymous comments about longer longer, and longer -- And I don't mean dick size!
SCHUPPINZIGH
Too short?
No, not short enough for me. Please don't write any longer stories, this one was crap.
need more
this was very good please do more
Great story are you ever going to continue it.
Excellent Story So Far
Please continue this story I would like to know where the author will take the scenario. My mind has been working overtime.
Please continue this story I would like
Please continue this story I would like to know where the author will take the scenario. My mind has been working overtime.
Great story I like how you ended this chapter.
OOOOH MAAAN
My reaction to the last thing she said was "oh shit!" Haha
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