by dangerouslydead
The writing needs quite a bit of work. Simply put: Where's the dialogue? Toward the end, you use some dialogue. Before that, though, you use descriptive paragraphs to explain what each person said rather than just writing what they said. While this seems trivial, it isn't. To the contrary, the best stories allow the reader to be drawn in--and to figure out each character's motivations--based on the dialogue. By explaining what was said, you take away the reader's task of figuring out what each character's motivations are through their dialogue. This makes for one-dimensional characters.
Thus, while the plot itself is interesting, the story is flatter than need be because we all know up front what the protagonist knows and is doing.
Just a thought.
It is really more of an outline for a story. Hope you write it some time.
Lots of people do not appreciate the genre. The first person style does contain Echoes of Dragnet which defines it as an acquired taste! This reader enjoyed it!
A unique and interesting plot, but the presentation is lacking.
Good short story. You said what needed to be said then stopped. Which is fine by me. Thanks for the story and keep them coming.
Decent story; but, if the protagonist feels the next few days are going to be interesting then perhaps a part two would be nice. Locket was subtle. Not to say martial art experts/trainers can't be subtle, but would it suffice?
The story was left up in the air as to what is going to happen to him.
....make some of your writing seem forced but this is not a matter of your failure to grasp dialogue. Your stories are by far the best in LW from any non Anglo-writer and the dialogue is often pretty good for a furrener.And you have the perfect Lawyer.
If this is the end of the story, then I take back my praise. I hope this author has the intelligence to resolve this story...very lazy if he does not...great beginning if this was just the first of other great writings to come.
I would never dream of even hinting that an author of your talent and caliber would want to add another chapter to a story that is truly great, and fun to read. So even though the reader (myself included) is left to fill in the ending with their imagination, the implication seems clear that our hero was able to get away with a touch of mayhem on his cheating spouses lover. Ya know. . . if you were to write a sequel I would make a special point of reading it.
This story certainly needs another chapter! Beyond that, it was a really good story.
This is an incomplete story. It was a good setup but only a good setup.
Does anyone there have ANY sense at all?? And even incourage this so called "author" to perpetrate this travesty of literature with this shit?? This is unbelievable!!
Your English is almost as bad as that of the author. "Incourage" should be "encourage".
I don't often leave comments ; But i fill i must . This guy is a dork ! A big bad ass martial arts trainer to the stars . And that is his fucken revenge . Please , Broke the guys arm . And the cops in LA , Would not give a shit ! Thay dont even answer 911 calls Anymore . This guy needs to pull up his balls and see if ther ant a pussy hiding under ther
Why does this story need a conclusion? Its good just the way it is. The affair is in the public record and everyone knows what a slut she is. He got his revenge on the guy by having the crap beat out of him. And when this comes to divorce court judges don't look to kindly on people trying to perpetuate a fraud against the court. And if he's as connected as he says he is, she won't be able to get a high end lawyer, more like an ambulance chaser who will be completely out classed. So as its written, its good. Not flawless, but since he's admitted that English isn't his native language I think he can be forgiven. Keep up the good work DD.
I don't want to use my imagination so give us a part 02, please............
Written for those bashers of kinky sexy stories about hotwives. And I do mean BASHERS. The kind that like this type of story think women should be owned and BEAT ON!
wonderful story to bad her and darin didn't get run over along with her wonderful friends. By the way she is not a wife just another pig.
Nice story but a Follow-up to tie up loose ends seems Appropriate here.
LOOKS LIKE DOUBLE "D" HAS BECOME A MASTER OF THE SHORT STORY. HIS STORIES MEET ALL CRITERIA. TK U MLJ LV NV
of a lot of authors, write a fairly decent story, and as with their characters can't finish worth crap. If you can't finish don't write it.
by truths and fibs (white lies)...TK U MLJ LV NV
story, but the execution of it is lacking in detail and substance.
Third paragraph: doesn't seem to fit. When I read it I assumed I would now learn about how he learned of the affair. Instead the next part was the confrontation after the mugging.
After careful consideration I realised it doesn't need a conclusion. It's pretty obvious what's going to happen. Kevin and Nicki get divorced and Darin and the cheating whore are found guilty of conspiracy. Case closed.
Careful consideration. Yeah right.
HA
There are way too many potentials here and some serious holes in the story - the photos pof him with it are a BIG problem for the plan to work -
Did she take them before she gave it to her husband - let's hope a timeline could support that - where is the matching D -
This one could lead to more fun -
I read this before and I read it again.
this story makes NO sense. In fact, the evidence is AGAINST the protagonist.
She has a picture of the locket wrapped around Darin's cock. She has proof HE had it. Now her husband has it. While an interesting device to expose her infidelity, it also means that two witnesses WITH PICTURES has established possession...and possession was transferred. They also have a REAL BEATING involved...and the locket magically transfers possession.
He is going to jail unless the cops decide to miscarry justice. Now, you might be fine with that, but it makes suspension of disbelief impossible.
It was also WOEFULLY underdeveloped and had no ending. I mean worse than "JPB" no endings.
FD45
"this story makes NO sense. In fact, the evidence is AGAINST the protagonist.
She has a picture of the locket wrapped around Darin's cock.
She has proof HE had it. Now her husband has it. "
The picture is evidence that the two met up before the locket was in the husbands possession. It`s certainly possible that the wife left the room with the locket.
--
"it also means that two witnesses WITH PICTURES has established possession...and possession was transferred. They also have a REAL BEATING involved...and the locket magically transfers possession."
Two witnesses. One of which has motivation to see the husband imprisoned and is known to lie (That whole entire in the process of divorce bit), the other being her lover.
--
"He is going to jail unless the cops decide to miscarry justice. Now, you might be fine with that, but it makes suspension of disbelief impossible."
Now I'm about as far as an expert as you can get in regards to police procedures and the law; But is it not plausible that the officers did not have reasonable suspicion to arrest him? Correct me if I'm wrong here, but as far as I can tell they don't have to make an arrest then and there because it isn't a domestic violence complaint?
We have the wife's lover accusing the husband, while the husband has the perfect alibi what with there being dozens of potential witnesses and security camera footage showing he did not commit the assault.
While there's a lot of unanswered questions (Did the wife's paramour report the locket missing when he was initially beaten? Is there any evidence of him having the locket on him prior to the assault, etc.), suspension of disbelief doesn't seem like an issue to me as far as laymen go. Now I'm of the opinion of which that's the minimal which any writer should aim for, and this story fulfills that to me.
For the people saying the picture was proof she gave it to her lover must never ever heard of a setup. All she had to do was take a picture with the locket with her lover then take it back and give it to her husband. Then lover gets so called mug and the locket taken. Dumb husband has the gift from wife on (the locket) when he shows up at her business party. Her lover accuses him that he was the mugger who took the locket and sets the trap for poor husband. Now for the facts to cover husbands ass. He found the receipt and made sure the slut wife don't throw it away before the police arrive. To the police how would husband know about said receipt if she didn't give it to him. Next he had an alibi from the cameras he was at during the mugging. Oh he could of hired someone to do it but her lying about she was in the process of divorcing him when she wasn't, cops take dim view on lies and will view almost anything else you say is to be a lie also, that's a fact. She admitted to cheating on her husband, another thing that makes you not trust worthy to cops, not that its illegal but more of what type of character she has. Cops like the easy way to settle things and since she has more against her and he has an alibi for were he was at the time of attack and two he knew about the receipt and three she was cheating on her husband so it is not hard to conceive that she and her lover could make up this so called mugging so she can take her husband to the cleaners in a divorce.
1 star for the first chapter of a story. If you do not have the imagination or energy to write a full story, don't bother at all.
Ok. We have a INTRODUCTION now what? All i can give it is a 1. There no story here.
Seriously needs an ending. This is a good beginning but without an ending it just leaves the reader feeling cheated.
but you can surely make an educated guess. TK U MLJ LV NV
I disagree.
I don't think it always necessary to go through details of the breakup, the other revenge, the nasty divorce, the life afterwards including the question of whether the unhappy couple get back together with complete changes of character making them unrecognizable from their earlier selves.
This story is fine being left where it is. It is a simple, straightforward story of him getting some revenge on the cheaters. There's no need to know their life stories afterwards.
Cause writing in English is not working for you.
It was no ending at all. It was just someone who thought they had a story, then halfway through realized that they did not.
This story needs a “chapter two “. The way it ended was...just...bad. Oh, by the way, I think “middle school level” may be a bit generous.
Almost all of your stories are not complete you need to complete your stories you go so far and then you just stop as in this one you need to finish
Husband does what next ?
Uh
Has a celebration and then his wife is caught with more manufactured evidence and boyfriend has another accident
What there was of it was okay. But you left it completely unfinished which is a giant no-no in my book.
.... so what happened then? the story seems dangerously dead to me wthout a follow on chapter.
I guess the author never finished this story! He/she did post a new story in early 2022.
4
And.............. another aeronautical engineer author who leaves the audience hanging. Too many of these idiots on here. We should erect a Literotica monument to FTDS... God rest one of their souls.
@cito - there's this thing called "people writing FTDS stories". put up or shut up. You think this deserves a sequel and it's so easy to write - publish one. If it's any good you get upvotes.
Most amusing. A BTB with a flourish. Set them up so they have to burn themselves.