by wirepuller
A good story, but the switching back and forth between the two of them is very distracting. Try it without that please.
The germ of a good story is there but this is just not well written. And the dual narration is tedious and distracting.
I hesitated writing this story in this manner, it does become jumpy. Sorry about that, however I re-read it a few times and I find myself waiting for the next persons' viewpoint. Maybe each viewpoint needs to be longer.
You write very well, but as like all of your other stories this was too short in length.
Poorly written. A hot storyline, but it needs more detail and the pace is just much too fast for my liking.