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English
Could have been better.
With the errors in writing and a short end, it simply could have been better. Spend more time thinking and proofing
Proof needed
Odd assortment of spelling and grammatical errors. I figured out what you meant, but they become distracting. You may benefit if you find an editor to help with proofing and development.
Do More Drafts
Your story has promise but is destroyed by bad editing. Take my advice print out the first draft and read out loud this way the errors leap out at you. After correcting print again and read each time you do this you will see things that can be improved. Finally you will arrive at the finished story. Believe me it works I have utilised this for twenty years.
Needs editing
The story itself is good. However, it could use some serious editing. There are words misspelled, words out of place and words that are just wrong. Otherwise, the storyline is off to a good start.
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