But could be so much better if you extended it a tad. A little more build up. They finish before I can even get started.
I think you are off to a great start. Having said that I must agree with the last comments that say to make the scenes a little more drawn out and a little longer. The story itself is really good and I'm looking forward to the next chapter.
I liked the story, but one problem. A girl kissing and licking your dick is not an innocent act. You're trying to convey to the reader that she is not experienced, and until this point innocent, but she crossed that line. Showing the fathers shock that the daughter, he thought was so innocent, would do that would have been more effective. Also, that the father got upset with himself, instead of her, wasn't a logical progression of thought. Still, it was a good story.
your story was very good and well written. So nice of you to share your talent with us all. Keep writing. :-)
It's a little quick, how about some character development and plot?
Click here to leave your own comment on this submission!
orBack to Angel Alyssa
orMore submissions by thepervjack.
Edit comment orSubmit Comment
Comment posted successfully - click here to view it or write another.
Title of your comment:
Your public comment about Angel Alyssa:
Login or Sign Up
All contents © Copyright 1998-2012. Literotica is a trademark. No part may be reproduced in any form without explicit written permission.
Terms Of Services|Report A Problem|Privacy
Password:Forgot your password?
Your current user avatar, all sizes:
You have a new user avatar waiting for moderation.
Select new user avatar:
Upload and save
User avatar uploaded successfuly and waiting for moderation.