My only suggestion is to find an editor. They help alot, and are there to help you become a better writer.
I really enjoyed the story,cant wait to read more!
by
Anonymous12/05/10
Well Done
Agree with the comment that an editor would help with the typos and also possibly help with pacing a bit. The sex dialogue was somewhat corny, but I actually kind of enjoyed it because it was sparse and gave the story an air of realism.
I don't agree with the negative comment at all. I can definitely see room for improvement, but this story has a lot of strong points. The characters are interesting, the sex is hot and well described, and the story holds my interest well. I'm very interested to see what's next for these two.
Drawbacks in the story: Mia and Mac were probably a bit too harsh to poor Zoey, who is about to watch her whole life fall apart. You could have left a bit more tension in Michael and Zoey's story to give yourself something to write about. You are falling into a common trap on the site where everything happens really really easily and two strangers become a 24/7 master/slave pair in less than a month.
Overall well done. Can't wait to read more.
by
Anonymous12/06/10
More of Zoey's fall would have been good
The Mia part was well done, but you made Zoey to be a nasty bitch, and the best thing to do with a nasty bitch is to torch them. A little more of her fall and suffering would have improved the story.v
English
my god
my god you are wasting your time because you can't write and you can't tell a story this was simply terrible.
great story
My only suggestion is to find an editor. They help alot, and are there to help you become a better writer.
I really enjoyed the story,cant wait to read more!
Well Done
Agree with the comment that an editor would help with the typos and also possibly help with pacing a bit. The sex dialogue was somewhat corny, but I actually kind of enjoyed it because it was sparse and gave the story an air of realism.
I don't agree with the negative comment at all. I can definitely see room for improvement, but this story has a lot of strong points. The characters are interesting, the sex is hot and well described, and the story holds my interest well. I'm very interested to see what's next for these two.
Drawbacks in the story: Mia and Mac were probably a bit too harsh to poor Zoey, who is about to watch her whole life fall apart. You could have left a bit more tension in Michael and Zoey's story to give yourself something to write about. You are falling into a common trap on the site where everything happens really really easily and two strangers become a 24/7 master/slave pair in less than a month.
Overall well done. Can't wait to read more.
More of Zoey's fall would have been good
The Mia part was well done, but you made Zoey to be a nasty bitch, and the best thing to do with a nasty bitch is to torch them. A little more of her fall and suffering would have improved the story.v
Short Story but SWEET!
The right man and woman will son be married! Great Story!
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