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You have some killer stuff in here "And her roots gnash and gnarl over stolen seed.", "For past lies still choke her like a vicious weed." and some stuff that I might argue should have been killed, "I cherish more than gold ","stolen youth", "candle to the sun" which appear to be cliches as old as Queen Elizabeth I. In the context of the form and the content, they don't offend and may even add. Some of the rhythm doesn't seem quite right, but that may be my ear. On a par with some written during that time. Excellent, even though this is far from my favourite type or form. Excellent, again, look forward to more.
Comment
Thanks for taking the time to comment, twelveoone. As for the rhythm not seeming right, it's because even to me iambic pentameter just sounds funny. But I like lots of structure to my poetry. I chose the sonnet style with its prescribed number of lines, rhyming patterns, and meter because it gives me room to say what I need to stay and forces me to stop before I ramble on too long. I confess I did break the pattern at one point but I think it was justified by the content of the poem. --You won't have to wait long for the next poem, since I submitted it this morning. Your interest is appreciated.
Watch your pentameter
and you would have a really good verse here. You could tighten this up considerably just by applying stronger iambs form and getting rid of some unnecessary words.
The first stanza:
A radiant rose among the dandelions grows
With a beautiful bloom that I cherish more than gold.
Her scent is deep with meaning and clings to my clothes
Yet her beloved lively leaves do droop and fold,
Could for instance become:
Amongst dandelions, a radiant rose
Has beauty that I cherish more than gold;
Her scent and pungent meanings cling to clothes
Yet, though beloved, her leaves just droop and fold;
Perhaps?
Sweet O.
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