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English
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Inverted syntax, for the sake of a rime and an obvious reach
Then with this futile marriage I'll be done.
Says way too much, shorten it. Looks like an emotion dump in verse. You are a better writer than that.
I say pick the pivotal moment.
You can obviously write pretty well and you don't wrench your rhymes, I am thankful for but I think, like twelveoone, that this is too long. I think a better approach would be to focus on a single incident or maybe to that sum up the end of the marriage. There is not a lot of 'things' in this poem. Poetry is about feelings arrived at through things. I see talent in you.
Agreed
It is a bit long, I admit. Usually I prefer the sonnet or some other form that limits the number of lines I can use. I tried that here, but I felt the emotions were too complex to squeeze into a shorter form. Maybe I'm coming at it the wrong way. Maybe I'm just too close to the subject matter.
I'm no poetry expert; I just play around with it and post stuff here that I don't think will sell to my other markets. It's cathartic for me, and helps me sharpen my prose too.
Thanks for your comments. They are always welcome.
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