All Comments  for

La Diada de Sant Jordi

byPoetGuy©
All
Comments (11)
by Anonymous

If the above comment contains any ads, links, or breaks Literotica rules, please report it.
by vrosej1001/06/11

Pretty damn cool PoetGuy

Its getting a reccomend.

If the above comment contains any ads, links, or breaks Literotica rules, please report it.
by SweetOblivion01/06/11

Another great read - thank you.

This makes me think of Neruda lazily making love to a woman impressed by his role as Chilean ambassador or seducing her with his beautiful verses.

The story telling and rhythm are both near perfect.

My only minor niggle is that the way you've structured the verses, with the first one being the bulk of the poem, the stanzas appear slightly out of kilter. Or was that deliberate?

SO

If the above comment contains any ads, links, or breaks Literotica rules, please report it.
by butters01/07/11

le sigh

such romance within these lines, the romance of sensation

that thing you have going on here with the naming of (very fragrant) blooms and the colours, colours that remind me of tulips, makes this a sensuous write.

If the above comment contains any ads, links, or breaks Literotica rules, please report it.
by UnderYourSpell01/07/11

~

A true love poem and I read the break into the third stanza as showing how big the 'want' is in you. One small niggle it seems to me there is a word missing 4th line 1st stanza 'so I can imagine it my hand' should that be 'in my hand'?

If the above comment contains any ads, links, or breaks Literotica rules, please report it.
by Liar01/08/11

Old school

This has the tone of classic idealism that I find very appealing. Written by a romantic with a keen grasp of style. A sign of a good scene painter is one that can throw in refeences that I as a reader don't connect with...and it still doesn't matter, the core is not lost. Good stuff.

For symmetry, I'd find a way to re-arrange the first two lines. The hanging "My blood." seems to not quite fit in. My reading eyes stumble there, before the text returns to a much smoother prosody for the rest of the poem.

If the above comment contains any ads, links, or breaks Literotica rules, please report it.
by Angeline01/08/11

You made me look things up too!

There is a Neruda-like quality to this poem, but I suspect it's more the setting than the language that makes me feel that. (And that's a compliment: I love Neruda but there's a decidely un-Neruda-like delicacy to this poem that works really well.) It's very evocative and I agree with Liar that I don't really have to know specifics about what you're painting here to get a feel for it. It's a very loving, affectionate poem that suggest a love of long standing. That in itself is good but what I like best about it is how the restraint of the beginning plays with that second strophe which is incredibly erotic. I love the way you broke the line on "I want." Very, very good. I got a little hung up on the antecedent for "lily." I know it should be "head," but it could also be "thigh," which doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Upon numerous reads though I think you handled it the best possible way: other wordings would confuse it or sound well, just wrong. And just to end my comment with a bit o that old poets' disagreement, I like "My blood." It serves to punctuate the line, and I think that if you tried to insert it parenthetically, for example, into the line the precedes it you'd lose the impact. Really lovely sensual writing, PG.

If the above comment contains any ads, links, or breaks Literotica rules, please report it.
by GuiltyPleasure01/08/11

Be my Valentine.....

....and let me feed you Paella. This is swoon-worthy, you seductor, you.

Bien hecho, pienso I' m en amor.

Tess

If the above comment contains any ads, links, or breaks Literotica rules, please report it.
by Senna Jawa01/08/11

some ingredients and skills

The ending, last three lines and the preceding "I want", is awful (awwwwful :-). Let's pretend that it's not there.

Then we get a decent poem, especially to an naive eye, or if you don't read it second time. This poem has well known elements, sewn with a thick thread, the composition is... oh, well, so be it.

There is way too much "I"+"my", thus creating the heavy feeling of the lyrical subject celebrating himself. Especially with that unpleasant blood (something that works well in other poems but not here, here it is completely out of place). This text was supposed to be romantic, but it turned out to be egocentric. It has a wrong focus.

There are also tactical (concrete, detailed) blemishes like "perfect fingers" and the silly and naive phrase "so I can imagine it".

The ending (let's agree that it is the ending :-)

"her head light on my thigh as a lily
slowly closing into night."

is pretty, pretty nice. It would make a good ending. (It gives one more reason for removal of the remaining text--the actual ending destroys the effect of this section, as we get one book, then another, and that's too much, it's a poor composition again).

To summarize: we get some nice, exotic ingredients, some promise of skills, we do not get anything original; and I feel that the poem was written without any intensity by an author who relies on his ability and experience, who believes that he can pull if off just like that. Not this time.

If the above comment contains any ads, links, or breaks Literotica rules, please report it.
by SeattleRain01/21/11

enjoyed

The last three lines are the most tender and in my opinion, the best in the poem- although it seems to me that "book of my poetry" might work, better- you would not have the "poem" repeated. I have been down this road, metaphorically and literally and can relate.


"her head light on my thigh as a lily
slowly closing into night. "

I enjoyed this image. I have found it easier to read similies when the two things being compared are not separated by external objects or descriptions. Curious: why have "my thigh" in between "head as light as a lily." Her head on my thigh light as a lily slowly closing into night. Or On my thigh, her head light as a lily.....Just something to consider. Surely not a rule, just something I have noticed to work

If the above comment contains any ads, links, or breaks Literotica rules, please report it.
by greenmountaineer01/26/11

I usually don’t spend as much time as I did with this poem thinking about it, which I hope you take as a sincere compliment. You have a gift with language, much in abundance with this love poem. Speaking of which, I confess a bias which is that in a love poem I believe there ought to be a balance between the lover and the loved, that being the nature of love. I agree with the earlier comment there was too much emphasis upon the “I” in the poem and not enough about “her,” except possibly the last line and “perfect fingers,” neither of which told me much about her. I was left wondering if it was all one sided. That may have been your intention, but I believe that emotion too could have been heightened if she had swayed with the music, strolled lithely in taffeta (assuming April is warm enough there), or lifted the curve in her skirt to her thigh while you were reading Quijote.

Un cinco de otro modo

If the above comment contains any ads, links, or breaks Literotica rules, please report it.
by AChild03/07/11

Pssssssssssst!!!!!! Down Here! Thinking with my #@)#$

THIS IS NOT CRITIC.
INTERPRETATION (from the lower brain):

If the rose is a %#^# and the petals are (#*# then your love gave you a )#($ while you walk around town. That sounds like a interesting night. Provided its late enough. The last lines can be understood in a million ways. Men might view it as a sheltering from the burdens of a deeper more dependent relationship. Women might view it as secret keeping or simply holding back. I might be viewed as a asshole for stereotyping genders. Good Stuff.

If the above comment contains any ads, links, or breaks Literotica rules, please report it.

Click here to leave your own comment on this submission!  or
Back to La Diada de Sant Jordi  or
More submissions by PoetGuy.

Add a
Comment

Post a public comment on this submission (click here to send private anonymous feedback to the author instead).

Post comment as (click to select):

You may also listen to a recording of the characters.

Preview comment

Forgot your password?

Please wait

Change picture

Your current user avatar, all sizes:

Default size User Picture  Medium size User Picture  Small size User Picture  Tiny size User Picture

You have a new user avatar waiting for moderation.

Select new user avatar:

   Cancel