Monday Night Pool

I like this!

This is what I'd call a slice of life kind of poem. It's short but packed with detail and paints a clear picture of this lively pool hall. A couple of things I noticed that are just suggestions--if you find them helpful, great. If not that's ok, too. First I think there's a nice internal rhythm that dances along and fits the length of the poem well. However if you said "no one's" instead of "nobody's" in line four, the loss of that one syllable would make the rhythm skate over those first four lines just right. Also, "and lights my cigar" is shorter and doesn't seem to jibe with the pace of the rest of the poem--maybe there's a way to make it fit the rhythm better? And btw I love "Beer and nicotine can shoot for my soul." It's kind of quixotic in the midst of this piece and feels like the heart of the poem to me. Thanks for the read! :-)

Me too!

For me it has a Kenny Rogers" feel to it. I, too, like the internal rhyming Ange mentions. One very small niggle, shouldn't piss-ins be hyphenated for easier reading? Rollicking read BronzeAge.

Tess

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A nice fast moving piece that has a good flow to it although I did lose the rhythm and tripped on the lines 'my blue fingered babe brings two bottles and lights my cigar.' I would have to think though as to how it could be bettered and still keep the very good wordage. I enjoyed the read thankyou

you write your scene with the sharpness of familiarity

the rhythm used in those opening 4 lines sets up an expectation in me for it to continue, so i tripped when you broke it ... like the pool balls scattering across the table, no-one quite certain of where they're going with the exception, perhaps, of the dude with the cue. :)

would it read better if you kept that rhythm throughout? possibly - it would certainly make for easier access to the general reader, maybe stick in their mind more ... stickily. as its author, bronze, you know what your intention is with the break of pace better than anyone, but it does remind me of the racked balls being broken with the opening play.

Funny and Runyonesque.

Made Poet Guy think of Nathan Detroit and the Hot Box Girls. Snappy verse, except perhaps for this sequence--"my blue fingered babe brings two bottles / and lights my cigar"--that didn't seem to have quite the same metrical zip.

Enjoyed it, though.

Eight-ball

Okay, I'll disagree with those that lost the rhythm. I think it played well. Maybe I just speak too much redneck, cuz that is what I read. Loved the blue fingered babe. Left it relatively light until you snuck in that "Beer and nicotine can shoot for my soul." Period on second line.

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ya know, if you move bottles to the next line, that little half pause that tends to show up (pinsKy), just might work

The others have pretty much said it all but

I also got a sex metaphor in this somewhere but that might be just my dirty mind or just all your natural rutty maleness coming through. You're getting a recommend.

Like others, I liked the snappy rhythm in the first 4 lines and maintaining it in L5 with a little variation. "Powder in my..." didn't work as well for me in spite of the vivid image there and throughout the poem, particulary the hyper-masculine ones.