Night Lights

Too fast

This has some possibilities, I think, but it's too fast. Rachel goes from not even wanting to be a waitress to screwing the guy in the back room? Doesn't know anything about dancing and then gets a this rush of self-confidence? Not that it isn't possible, I just think it happens too fast. There are also grammar/punctuation issues -- you need some commas (funny, because most people, including me, probably overuse them). And the last line -- I can't think of a much more unappealing line. Yes, I know Rachel has a kid and needs money (and she's had five jobs in a few WEEKS? in this economy?) but sorry, it just doesn't fly.

nice chapter!*****

It just needs a few small tweaks! Good start!

Ok

OK plot. Character development is spotty as one reader indicated.You need an editor to help with syntax and word usage. Your spelling is such it interrupts the read. Sometimes it is hard to know what you meant to say.

Desperately needs editing!

It was replete with errors and no at all believable. I think you could develop into a decent writer, with a lot of help. I'm sorry, but I think you have a long way to go. The best I could give it was Two Stars.

I'll say what others won't

This does not need tweaks. It needs scrapping altogether. This is shitty writing, from top to bottom.

Please, don't deposit more of this birdshit on us.

I think the last person was a little abusive. I love when people get that rude but don't have the balls to even put the user name on it. Anyhow, I agree that an editor would be a help for you. They would be able to correct punctuation and grammar errors. In addition, you could run it by them and they could give advice such as telling you to slow things down between the characters or whatever else they may recommend. They come at it as a reader would and can point out things you may not see. I think the characters, once fully developed, could be a great contrast to each other. You have the rich playboy interested in the single mother of a young child. I look forward to learning more about them. I think something that wasn't believable is that a young mother would tell some guy who hires her to fuck him in the back of a strip club to cum insider her. I mean, that's asking to leave your kid alone in the world when you die of AIDS. I might have added a bit more of her internal conversation. What made her decide to sleep with a stranger? Maybe having her say that it had been so long since she was with a man or felt sexy...whatever. Maybe it is just the need for money. Though it seems money got her to the room but the man inside is what made her sleep with him. I look forward to seeing where you take it...but remember to keep it realistic. What would she do with the kid for a week? I will enjoy seeing how you play it out.

Poorly written.

Cannd needs to shove his (her) comments. Terrible use of grammar, spelling, etc. Would appear to have been written by a middle school drop out. If you can't write a proper sentence, don't write.

Story is weak at best.

i like it!

i like it. i think the story is great.. i was so into it i didnt even see the errors people are talking about. i wouldn't worry. and i hope you finish it. Screw other people. especially that one person. keep writing. Nice Job!

Don't lisson to them

I loved it keep on writing and finish the story. It has a great plot line!

You know what? It was a great story and it kept me intrigued. Please continue this story and do not let others persuade you otherwise.

MORE!!

this is really interesting! please continue. i'll be looking forward to it!