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English
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First four lines - strong; Last two - cajun? Poignant. The middle seems muddled. I'm not sure I like this simile line in this poem. (Politely saying -I don't)
like Orpheus crying for his lost bride.
With what you are trying to do, it will say it without the comparison.
Really Lovely!
What a beautiful piece of writing Bronz. There's a lilting lyrical quality and a nice light touch that keeps this poem sweet and evocative but not over the top sweet, which is very good. My one picky thing is "cold night air" which is clear but not terribly poetic, sorta verges on cliche. I think there's a more poetic way to say that, but just my opinion. :-) Overall, a really enjoyable read.
Very nice, in a kind of anachronistic way,
which Poet Guy means as compliment, not criticism--the poem seems to have a kind of bardic quality. Poet Guy agrees with twelveoone's point about the Orpheus line, but also would alter the reference to the "sirens," both because sirens are Greek myth and Berit implies a Nordic mythos, and because the sirens called to sailors, not the other way around. Perhaps having him call to the Nornir (who are sort of the Norse equivalent of the Fates) would be better.
Good poem.
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