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English
....
to heaven..... Is in the wrong place!
It wouldn't
make a lot of difference, sorry. Try to write about something that hasn't been done a million times.
A difficult task
It is difficult to write about a subject which has been wrung dry, but people do it everyday. Every experience is unique, no matter how many times it is repeated. The trick is to share the part which only you saw.
There is potential hiding under the surface...
I saw the scene but didn't feel it. I see where the other comments come from, this has been done a million times and will be done a million more. Its the delivery that defines where you sit in this piece- you need to find your own perspective and express it according. Close your eyes and relieve this moment, how is he holding you, how do you want to be held, the textures, the physicality, each caress, each touch, each thrust, each slide has a unique element. Find that and you will do wonders 'cause I do like your work.
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