by vrosej10
compressed storytelling. Several scenes of an intruiging movie in a few lines. Recommended.
That's somewhat disconcerting to me. The story is vivid and I love the images but for me it would work better with fewer words and shorter lines or as a full-out prose poem. This way it seems caught between the two and I fear its impact overall is constained as a result. But just my opinion! :-)
This rather reads like a precis to a story before it is fleshed out and I know you can do better :)
what ang said; bizarre contrasting
leap forward to...
jayne is paralysed
this could either be cleaned up...
same room, different woman
this one an Amazonian blonde,
...or brought more in line with
not that other woman but someone with a passing similarity
There is a high degree of mystery here, don't lose it by adding more detail
100 of course