All Comments on 'See Jayne'

by vrosej10

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  • 4 Comments
fridayamfridayamabout 13 years ago
Superb

compressed storytelling. Several scenes of an intruiging movie in a few lines. Recommended.

AngelineAngelineabout 13 years ago
Somewhere between a poem and a prose poem

That's somewhat disconcerting to me. The story is vivid and I love the images but for me it would work better with fewer words and shorter lines or as a full-out prose poem. This way it seems caught between the two and I fear its impact overall is constained as a result. But just my opinion! :-)

UnderYourSpellUnderYourSpellabout 13 years ago
~

This rather reads like a precis to a story before it is fleshed out and I know you can do better :)

twelveoonetwelveooneabout 13 years ago
*

what ang said; bizarre contrasting

leap forward to...

jayne is paralysed

this could either be cleaned up...

same room, different woman

this one an Amazonian blonde,

...or brought more in line with

not that other woman but someone with a passing similarity

There is a high degree of mystery here, don't lose it by adding more detail

100 of course

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