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English
*
oooo, a poem about me, ole reptile eyes. Loved it.
Oh it's not. Loved it away.
100
Smart and hard
and very real. I love the second strophe in its entirety--to bits. x
Interresting mood.
Can't decide if it feels sly and sexy or moody and melancholy. Maybe a little of both. Either way I like it.
~
This is a moment in time and I can 'see' it perfectly and feel your indecision between what you want to do and what your shouldn't!
Ahh bad boys.
Not my speed but I understand the appeal. Cool poem. Love the way the last stanza peters out. I am trying something similar in one of mine at the moment. Getting a recommend.
parts two and three...
are so good, they make part one look inferior to me as i read it. :( there's originality in p2/3 that 1 lacks. would this be any less a poem without part 1 at all?
the period at the end of L2 part 2 - feels too sharp a stop when what i was set up to expect was a 'pause'... maybe a colon would work better.
Do you absolutely need 'His' of 'His lean hands', and 'first'? BTW, i like the 'lean hands held' thing you have going on there *nods*
very much like how you make the crack something personal, defined, by saying 'felt THE crack' - just that small three letter word marking it as something absolute.
querying the period L2 part3 - reads as a typo to me.
like the break of 'Hell-O' and would suggest that breaking the phrase after 'thing' with a Q-mark followed by capitalising the A directly afterwards, to make 2 questions, makes that read tighter.
why no cap for 'they' in L4 part 3?
like where your end takes us :)
*
Ignore me if I am misunderstanding your poem but I feel 'sarcastic Lennon lips coolly smirking,'would be stronger as 'sarcastic Lennon lips cool smirk,'
I think you could delete innate too, it adds nothing and shouldn't his lean hands be strong hands? And shouldn't his eyes have looked in ernest? Just a thought.
Nice girls always like naughty boys because they want to be naughty themselves and I bet you did! ;-)
Suggestion
Perhaps it was innate caution
that caused me to pause;
his strong hands held my attention
as they snapped a lobster's shell
and I felt the crack inside me.
"Look up" said his hands;
then his eyes said "Hello,
want to have a thing, a fling?"
They spoke in earnest,
and the truth is I did,
but in the end
I didn't.
*****
Okay, I'm 'fessing up. I was the one who made the suggestion. Seems a little arrogant of me, on second thought. My apologies if I offended.
I really liked the poem a lot, except for the first stanza.
With or without, it's a five.
I am glad
I found this poem. Think the strength is in second stanza where I felt that crack too.
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