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Avenue Garden Hotel, Mardi Gras

byGuiltyPleasure©
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by Anonymous

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by Angeline01/15/11

I like this but it needs work

There's a scent and taste of the mystery of the encounter and New Orleans in this poem, but I think it needs editing. For example, instead of saying "Her burning kiss remains on his lips" (because "burning kiss" sounds like something I've heard in too many poems here), you could turn it around and say "Her kiss burns on his lips, remains/..." And "still lingers" is redundant because if it lingers it is still there. Then in second strophe I'd just say "She" instead of "Her figure," which sounds too passive to me. Or if you want to foreshadow that it's really a stranger you could say "A figure walks..." because it's not "her" right? (Or maybe I misunderstand.) Also I think the last line would pack more of a punch without the "And." I think this piece has a lot of potential and you've already got the tone just right. Keep it but maybe tighten it up some. :-)

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by fridayam01/15/11

I agree with Angeline

because I sensed the anonimity of Mardi Gras but then got confused with the last two strophes--was it a stranger she kissed or someone acting like a stranger? I enjoyed it nevertheless. x

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by vrosej1001/16/11

~

I really love this poem. I felt the middle stanza, bottom three lines were too imprecise and they confused me but I actually loved the subject matter and the bit about the public adjustment was excellent and vivid.

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