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Refractions

byKoba©
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by Anonymous

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by fridayam01/20/11

I loved the first verse

but then your poem lost focus. I think it is because you lost the sense of yourself writing and tried to say something else. The middle verse gets lost in notions that I'd have to Google, the last tries to get back to base, but you've lost me and the end of the poem seems a long way askew from the beginning.

Does that make sense? Don't try to do too much in one poem--it's a fragile thing and doesn't bear the weight.

I hope I will read more of your poems.

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by vrosej1001/22/11

~

Agreed. It's also too long for the subject matter. Tighten it up and you could have something excellent. Edit till you can't change another word without destroying clarity and meaning. This was some excellent advice given to me and I am passing it on.

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