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English
*****
The end caught me off guard. Disturbing poem.
Five.
I know......
....the picture you talk of in here. It is seared into millions of minds but the photographer was there, knew there are other vultures waiting for other helpless victims and felt his own helplessness, his own vulture waiting.
Your last three lines are brilliant - "jumped from his (Pulitzer) pedestal".
I'm sure there are places to be trimmed and tightened and I urge you to edit but this is so powerful.
Tess
Picture
Thank you all for your kind words! I tried to attach the url to see the pic but this site wouldn't let me. A poem should stand on its own anyway but I think it does help to see the picture the poem is based on. If anyone wishes to see the pic, google the title of the poem and it should come up.
I...
googled the picture, and the poems stands without it, but I do think people should take a look at it. Here is the url in case anyone is curious (I hope I can do this).
http://www.socialistparty.net/pdf/images/k evincarter.jpg
This is a great poem
But ditch the first stanza. If you show the misery of the child etc, the audience will know how to feel about it; you don't need to tell them. They will know how you feel about because you have taken the time to write about it. Getting a recommend.
i believe you have
your poem in this, but it's obscured by excess words. whilst your title gets views, v is right that you could afford to drop the entire first set of lines and not lose sight of what's happening, especially if you retitled this The Photograph - or something better. sorry, my brain's not with it atm, lots going on.
if you keep the opening, you could cut 'silent' as photos are, by their nature, silent... if you used The Photograph as your title, you'd get a bigger contrast as you moved into the text losing 'silent' and moving right on to 'screams':
The Photograph
screams
grabs me
cuts me
i do think you could afford to trim back on those gerunds for more impact. i can see that you chose to repeat their use in part two, but does that add sufficiently to the poem to make it vital that you keep them?
this was a most interesting line, for me as a reader:
'but not one drop falls inside its borders.'
speaks to me of the drought conditions in a clever, come-at-it-from-the-side way. it stands out.
try to avoid some of the clichés like 'protuding ribs and matchstick arms' - they are those things, but look for something that'll illustrate it differently.
the last part holds a lot of strength, particularly in your final lines. shows his despair, holds it up to the light.
*
This must have been tough, but the first stanza said it all. I know you must provide the information, try this: rearrage the stanzas so the first is the last, see what you can get away with. With the first as first everything seems anticlimactic.
100
by Jove, twelve Oh
i do believe you've got it!
that would work. i am certain of it. starting each of those 3 with 'the' - child/vulture/photographer - and following up with the narrator's own reactions is a smart move. because where the leap and the noose are the end of the photographer, the photograph lives on, still causing ripples...
that photo...
...is there anyone who haven't seen it? It must be one of the most prolific pictures of the last century.
So IMO you really don't need to hammer out all the details of its grimness (besides, the poem's title says 95% of eveything that's significant about it anyway), and rather focus on its effect. On you, on the photographer, on the world.
Powerful!
I read this this morning and it has been on my mind all day. The poem matches the power of the photograph.
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