.......there are no comments? This is hugely descriptive and atmospheric. You can smell the hot stink post-flood and see the detritus it left behind. "the cestrum and murraya, sing their scents into the void " is the comma needed here?
Love this and give it five!
may I query spurts in line 2 which is too much like squirting in line 3. It feels odd that the poles blossom at their bases and I think you could lose blooming at the start of line 5. Did I say I loved it? x
i read it this morning but was eating. It doesn't go good with Honey Nut Cheerios, which is probably a good thing, because I don't think you wanted it to go good with Honey Nut Cheerios, It gave me an uncomfortable memory of the time when our house flooded, or New Orleans after the hurricane when people, trapped for days, finally escaped to drink an ice cold Bud. Good visual.
i'd suggest abbreviating 'squirting' to 'squirts' and make that line 'squirts tepid mud up my legs'. maybe even break this into 3 parts - sun/wet mud, electric poles/debris/stink, lightning/termites/scents, unless you feel it would suffer from doing so and lose some of its 'clumped together wet muddiness'?
agree with friday about losing 'blooming', and also 'at their bases'
this morning, the sun blisters my neck
the lawn spurts with every step
squirts tepid mud all up my legs
the electric poles blossom
coke cans, chip packets, sticks
glued together with stinking mud
and everything reeks of methane
but tonight it will be sultry; lightning is likely
winged termites will look like fairies circling the streetlights
the cestrum and murraya, sing their scents into the void
so I will sit outside and drink in the now.
last part is my favourite, filled with atmosphere - any way to reword 'will look like', v? and even lose the 'will' (groan) and 'and' in your final line to make 'so I sit outside. drink in the now'
the best best bit, for me, is 'sing their scents into the void'. i love love love that phrase!
I can feel it, hear it and smell it. That's how you sell it. Good job.
Click here to leave your own comment on this submission!
orBack to After the Flood
orMore submissions by vrosej10.
Edit comment orSubmit Comment
Comment posted successfully - click here to view it or write another.
Title of your comment:
Your public comment about After the Flood:
Please type in the security codeYou may also listen to a recording of the characters.
Title your feedback:
Your feedback to vrosej10:
If you would like a response, enter your email address in this box:
Feedback sent successfully - click here to write another.
Login or Sign Up
All contents © Copyright 1998-2012. Literotica is a trademark. No part may be reproduced in any form without explicit written permission.
Terms Of Services|Report A Problem|Privacy
Password:Forgot your password?
Your current user avatar, all sizes:
You have a new user avatar waiting for moderation.
Select new user avatar:
Upload and save
User avatar uploaded successfuly and waiting for moderation.