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English
*****
Maybe this:
the uninvited plague's repose;
Five.
Well I still love this poem
though I've decided my reaction to "peas" is a cultural one because here in the USA we mainly buy peas already cooked (either canned or frozen), but I know now you mean dried. So what I envision as a mushy mess, you (I know now) intend to mean a little stone-like thing. Also, I still think "p's" would work better cause it could be "peas" (dry or not) or the letters in a book. There are a lot of letter "p's" in a book. But I am nitpicking. I especially love the musicality of the last two line of strophe one. One last nitpick: if you're punctuating the piece, why not start the first word of each strophe with a capital letter? But, overall, it's a five. :-)
thanks, guys :)
theo
the uninvited here are plural so they plague repose
ang - i suppose i just might add that cap thing :D it felt odd, tbh, using as much punctuation as i did, but then it's not my voice, it's the narrator's. so i'm thinking you're right - he would capitalise his beginnings. *nods* ta x
i see the attraction in making it p's, but if i made it 'p's in books', would those p's not then be more plentiful than the dry crumbs? there're a lot of books out there... seriously, doesn't the follow-on grimms fairytale reference feed back to the pea/s being just that? specially with the 'deep bed' of your making :D
Okay, chip
British vs. American usage, I suppose. I think of uninvited plague as singular, so thought of the change to be grammatically correct while maintaining the rhyme. Sounds better to my ear, also, but that's probably also because I'm American, I'm guessing.
Nice poem.
I loved the peas in books things
Made me think of the way split peas can get everywhere. This is a different style of poem from you and I like it and would enjoy reading more. Careful saying the "t" word around here. They're plentiful and lurking on every forum here. Getting a recommend.
Oh
'Plague' is the verb. I can't believe I didn't get that.
Mia culpa.
*
Here is the low spot:
clock's infernal beat -was too easy, wasn't it? beat? why? tock would give you a pararhyme with talk, unless I'm missing something
not sure about eyes/exists
Not bad for a low spot.
Easy 100
ah...
thanks for the time and thoughts, 1201 :flower:
i opted for 'beat' for continuity of sound with 'deep/sleep/peas/beneath', plus reiteration of all the 't's before it as well. if i went with 'tock' wouldn't that be too close to L4's 'ticked and tocked'?
true to form
The first stanza is pure gold. And the rest ain't half bad either.
But I get the impression you really tapped the muse in the four opening lines, and then had to resort to hard work to craft a poem around the schematics of the form you choose. Don't get me wrong, it's well crafted indeed. But nowhere near as well balanced, inspired and internally complete as the beginning.
~
I am glad I had the 'peas in books' explained to me before we got this far! I did stumble over this line though 'dry crumbs in sleep's deep bed of thoughts' a bit of a tongue twister
I hate crumbs in the bed
Love this crumb in my head though.
All the talk about peas, I immediately thought of the princess and the pea
which had me thinking of all those mattresses but rather than one single pea, lined with peas under and crumbs on top and that's the picture I had. Trying to get to sleep, the discomfort of the peas under and the crumbs surrounding you. All those thoughts that swirl and dance behind your eyes robbing you of precious sleep. Sitting atop that mound, just wishing to fall... asleep.
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