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English
i was surprised...
to find the punctuation format you opted for didn't detract from this paean to a beloved. instead, i found it moved me on through the images, the sensations... with the one exception being here:
as the mad know not themselves, but being sane,
barring hesitation, I will say it,
i would suggest that last comma calls for a colon as you then launch into what you/your narrator would say.
a few typos, bronze: other's sun (should that be others'? i'm uncertain), and you have 'breath' on two consecutive lines that i think ought to be 'breathe' in both instances.
there are two images i find truly striking, bronze; ones that almost take me aback they are so vivid.
I extend my tongue, hoping to taste the air in your trail
as a suicide leaps smiling into the river,
I'm sure others might have suggestions as to how to improve this in places but, for me, right now, it leaves me only with the sense of 'oh, to be loved that way'. that's a reader-reaction, not a critter's :p
*****
There are a number of things I would change in it, but it's a five.
Lots to love, lots to lose
Overall there's a breathless quality from reading all this, image after image, confession after confession, subtle rhyme here and there-- and I like that, a lot. Still I think there's too many weeds in with the flowers and it all needs an edit. Imo you could lose a lot of unnecessary or repetitious (in idea, not language) stuff and the essence of this poem would come across stronger than it does in this iteration. That's just my opinion and one I feel in response to many of my own poems, but you should try it and see what you get.
~
I too am inclined this needs a edit. Good outing though.
~
This reads to me like something akin to Shakespeare in modern language only spoilt by the typo of 'breath' instead of 'breathe'
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