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English
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whoops. gave you a 100, meant a 75. Dipping into the cliche.
I didn't understand
why the lines were broken up so--it felt irrelevant. Concentrate on the essence of the poem and not on ephemera. The first stanza is lovely, but then it gets lost.
I gave it a four
because it didn't really come together for me, I didn't get a sense of what you want to say. I think you need to connect it up more. :-)
It's good already
But,
Skip the formatting, and strike the second stanza which breaks off in tione and image from the others too much, and you have an in my opinion outstanding one instead.
almost
but the line freakin out business kinda bugged me, like trying too hard. One of the things of late that I read helped me, I think Angeline wrote it... about how a five doesn't seem to try too hard. Look for it.
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