- All
Comments (8) - Add a
Comment - Send
Feedback Send private anonymous feedback to the author (click here to post a public comment instead).
| Literotica Toy Store ADULT TOY & DVD STORE FAST & DISCREET |
Literotica XXX Webcams 24/7 LIVE CAMS - FREE PREVIEW W/AUDIO! |
Literotica Adult Movies STREAMING ADULT MOVIES PAY PER MINUTE |
English
The and
in the fifth line was supposed to be on the fourth line. I hate when I do that!
*
well I liked, did you want a 5 for good behaviour?
I don't know about AC/DC
Tennyson, I can't figure out why some of the people I like, like him.
Must be something there.
Who was this Jesus guy? a Reggae singer?
Oh, yea
Bless ed are the meek...
Poet Guy thinks the strength of this poem
is S3, which is excellent--rhythmic, descriptive, yet simple. The first two S's don't do a lot, in Poet Guy's estimation, not that they are bad, just not helpful to the poem. The last line perhaps should be broken, possibly at "rose."
Just personal ideas, though--you may disagree. Nice work.
You got it going here girlfriend!
But it needs some work imo.
The first strophe is too linear to me because I think what you're saying is all very different influences (Tennyson, Mozart, etc.) are in this one person. But what I get is a list sounding thing with no real connection to the person who loves them. I think you should keep the names but try to rework it so the connection is more evident.
Next two strophes are great--don't worry about the "and a"--that's an easy fix. I'd leave them where they are and also move up "funky" to that line--"Bob Marley and a funky..."
I like the idea of a longer end line but "taking that bloomer dinner" sounds not quite there for me. There are many words besides variations of "bloom" that you could choose to stay faithful to the metaphor. Maybe try something different?
Really good tho, Espie. My comments are made in that context. :-)
~
Oh I really like this one it's very clever and made me smile
A departure for you Espie
But I like it. Keep it up, the subject matter and different tone and language become you. Getting a recommend.
different and fun
could use some tweaking, but posting it was a good idea. I post poems to get suggestions if I am not sure about something or some part of it. When i read the word "bloomer" I smiled. It's a word my grandma used for underwear. Are you a Brit? just curious...I really enjoy the poem, keep up the good work.
~ maria
Engaging
The first few lines grab you and make you want to know more. Who IS this character? Also love the clever phrasing. "Jesus flowing through cool veins." LOVE it.
Click here to leave your own comment on this submission! or
Back to The Apple Doesn't . . . or
More submissions by Esperanza_Hidalgo.