- All
Comments (4) - Add a
Comment - Send
Feedback Send private anonymous feedback to the author (click here to post a public comment instead).
| Literotica Toy Store ADULT TOY & DVD STORE FAST & DISCREET |
Literotica XXX Webcams 24/7 LIVE CAMS - FREE PREVIEW W/AUDIO! |
Literotica Adult Movies STREAMING ADULT MOVIES PAY PER MINUTE |
English
i feel what you have here
is a damned good poem lost in an abundance of excess words. you could cut this back by half and find the best of it.
for example, if your title was 'mayflies', your first line could happily be 'we reside for a single day', making the title work and not have the first line as a repeat of sorts. having said that, the 'single day' is a little cliché, so you could opt for 'our time is brief'... you could then cut directly to 'we are not memories/nor the riverbed through which they flow/now a rock, a fish, a dying star/all memory lost/in rotting corpses/and granite cliffs soon to be dust/insignificant as dragonflies/important as gods'
I didn't see
what the point of the title was--in what way did you show that we are like mayflies? In what way does the poem say that we only live for one day? There are a lot of images, none of which illustrate that idea--not an unworthy one. It all sounds nice but doesn't mean anything. And what's with all the empty space at the end of your poems?
Hmmm
At first glance this is good but it unravels on reading. Did you really mean to imply that humans are receiving mayfly thoughts or was that accidental?
Explanation
If you read my "The Truth about Life After Death," you'll see that I believe the thoughts in this poem to be literally true.
Click here to leave your own comment on this submission! or
Back to Mayfly or
More submissions by oneiria.