Not What It Seems Ch. 01

It might be better than it seems

You did ask for feedback, right. Admittedly it's late night here, but half-way through Page One I was flummoxed, flummoxed by the many characters, and flummoxed by the timeline aspect of it.

The characters appear to spring from the woodwork some for no apparent purpose. Being male, having more than six characters freaks me out completely.

And please stick with common, or usual, names. Why pick "Alin", over Ellen, Eileen. and why 'Jared'?

Cutting to the chase, the proposal, he drove for an HOUR to reach the place to propose. And, in that hour, she never even Questioned where they were going?

Good Effort, but it needs ' tightening'
Cheers Kilroy.

too many

Like some one else said , too many characters , too many plots. I'll skip part 2.......

Got it in the end

I would like more, it took a min. to get the characters sorted but I think you are now on the way to a good tale.

Nice concept.....

Foremost, the writing needs to stop slipping into First Person Present tense. The story seems to be basically a good concept, and a bit different. But there are many minor writing flaws, typos, and sentences which don't make sense. Don't give up, but do work on editing.

ummm

it's interesting, but i do agree that there are too many plots to keep in mind, aside from the one surrounding alin and jared. However i think it will be fine, if you can carefully distinguish between the plots surrounding each one of them. great, grammar, good characters and interesting story line. looking forward to more.

keep going

I do agree with the others, that keeping people straight was a bit confusing - but I am sure as the chapters unfold, they will fall into place. You did say you'd thought of this story for a while - so they are easy for you to keep straight and know how you want each character to relate to one another - but you have to remember you are writing to strangers who are meeting everyone for the first time. I think the story has potential and I look forward to see how it unfolds.

it's cute but...

I'm not so keen on how young she is. She seemed like she had so many ambitions and wanted to stay out of that lifestyle but then she's suddenly so enraptured that she forgets all that? And the age difference is really not plausible unless she was a little bit older especially because of how you describe her initial personality...

I don't know what people are complaining about, I thought the story was great! Obviously something came between Alin and Jared and she ended up with the looser John. Just because she ignores his infidelity doesn't mean she loves him, quite the opposite in fact. I think she simply doesn't care because her heart's not in that relationship.

Anyway, I love the story and can't wait to read more.

Thanks for posting info

I don't have an account so i can't post more than once on any one chapter. I was the anon who asked about the diamonds breaking. I hope your exams went well. You must be awfully clever.
Best,
R

Needs a good hard edit.

I'm guessing English is not your first language. Your tense (past/present) keeps changing, you keep choosing weird phrases (you attend a shoot, not a "photography", you work as a photographer not a "photography", and you don't work as an internship but as an intern). These errors slow the story and makes it difficult to read. It also gives the illusion your characters are a bit stupid. Consider having someone edit the story, and repost. It's sad to see good story ideas ruined by poor grammar.