Envoi

egg shells shattering

Is ridiculous. Almost as bad a first line as 1201's "cuprous tones"

~

Love this one very poignant I did reread after seeing the other comment about the eggshells but I think it works very well indeed and if the other commenter thinks he/she can do better they should prove it!

*

wow, if that's true (whatever looney tune says) I gotta vote 5, if I could

This....

....could be the disintegration of any number of situations but I see the brittle atmosphere of a failed relationship......hence the perfect choice of egg shells.

There are some great choices of words here too - "ghost" and "spectre", "hanging", "dripping" and "rotting" all contributing to the slightly haunting quality of this poem.

If t'were possible I'd give it five.

Tess

This is better

The eggshells are long battered
but still I tiptoe through the two lips
and kiss you like the ghost in the hall
the spectre of might-have-been french toasts
our shoelaces slung together on the coat-rack dripping
albumen through the floorboards

Sorry....

...bro, no it's not. The original is the better of the two.

Tess

Quite good! And undoubtedly better than the rewrite.

two very different takes on a poem

two very different sensations evoked. friday's is the more chilling, spectral, sad to me... PB's is all about the corporeal but a good poem in and of itself. one addresses the emptiness, the rot, better than the other - as if time and distance lends it a different perspective. PB's is more about (for me) something far more recent - even the dripping albumen (the stuff of life dripping away) creates a physical visual and sensation. friday's piece works the way it does for its addressing the non-corporeal. PB's is also (to me) about the other person physically 'not there' whereas friday's embraces the sadness of being there but not as one would wish. so, to sum up, two entirely different poems, subjects, approaches. i honestly prefer the lighter touch delivered by friday's write.

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I like fridayam's version and I am giving this a recommend. This one blew me away. It is powerfully sad and visceral. I keep saying this is my favourite of your stuff so far, but I'm gunna say it again. If I could vote, it's be getting a 6!

loved it!

and since I have no constructive crit to leave for you, I just wanted to let you know I read it and enjoyed :)

~maria

!

Simple image clearly and well executed.

This is wonderful Ty. Not a wasted word.

@

Very good use of metaphor. I especially like "coat-rack dripping
regret through the floorboards"